Stress evaluation during the COVID19 pandemic on the diverse population of Romania [303242]

Stress evaluation during the COVID19 [anonimizat], ȘCHIOPU MIHAELA

Content

1.Stress evaluation during the COVID19 [anonimizat]………………………………….

2.Journal pages about quality of life and stress during the COVID19 pandemic

Annexes……………………..

Bibliography………………………..

On March 15, Romania entered a state of emergency.

On April 7, [anonimizat]. [anonimizat]. We have promised ourselves not to let this also go away and to keep it together somehow.

[anonimizat] a single word about any burden pressing her.

Tatiana and I moved to the virtual world (the children who were undergoing art therapy were confined in the wards; working in groups was out of question). The virus had scattered us all everywhere.

[anonimizat]. [anonimizat], [anonimizat]. Some were intubated and some were not. [anonimizat], no one from outside was allowed to enter. Each patient was there alone and without visitors. And apart from Covid they were also worried as they had no chance to get any homemade borsch.

Bety’s voice became a [anonimizat], her smile was more consistent.

[anonimizat]. I [anonimizat], and everything was “as if” we were together but in a much different way. Meanwhile, some children have passed away and neither Tatiana nor I could go to the hospital. Usually, the mothers had to remain there after the burial ceremonies to which only eight persons were allowed to participate.

The other job I have is with the faculty of architecture. [anonimizat], were looking in dismay to their laptops trying to get used to their solitude or to the need to live once again together with their parents under the same roof. Former students were missing school. Every time they were attending a “meeting” [anonimizat].

There was no one on the streets.- [anonimizat]. [anonimizat].

Then I was having a “long-distance call”, with a fabulous child who had gone for treatment abroad. [anonimizat], had to be isolated once again because of the virus. I was also talking to a mother who was taking care of old people in a foreign country to compensate for the child she had lost in Romania.

The Easter followed. We were each waiting in his/[anonimizat]. [anonimizat]. On my street, a woman was sharing the holly candlelight. People were overwhelmed and received it with eyes full of tears.

"Christ is Risen!" was heard from the neighboring block of flats in the middle of the night and I [anonimizat] “Truly risen!" Our screams were flying into the general darkness. Then we sent each other messages, with words one usually tells face to face. We were really missing this, terribly longing for.

In the voices of those I spoke to, both Bety and I have noticed that there was uneasiness. Something important, overwhelming, and difficult to define was happening in everyone’s life. People were asking the biggest, most profound questions. They were somehow having time for themselves. The time they had been always trying to avoid.

Beyond the thoughts, almost everyone around felt that they were intensively coming close to the understanding that after all this dismay there is something worth keeping. Something certainly essential, I believe, that thing to which the old ladies from the asylum were thinking when my mother was still alive there. The same thing Bety’s mother is thinking about now as well as the monks.

The pages that follow to gather a concluded research work and the testimonies of several people: patients, architecture and psychology students, architecture graduates, psychologists, mothers of angels, and teenagers reaching the happy ending of the long oncological treatments.

The state of emergency ended on May 15.

We hope we do not forget that precious something.

We use this opportunity to express our gratitude to those who have granted us several hours of conversation, the torment of writing, drawings, and photographs illustrating the two months of isolation.

We are also thanking to our friend Daniela Sinea who, with patience and understanding, has taken care to translate our words into the English language. Special thanks are being extended to the Lady Teacher who has also supported this dream of ours that says:” Let's not forget!”

Mihaela Șchiopu and Elisabeta Niță.

1.Stress evaluation during the COVID19 pandemic on the diverse population of Romania-research

SÎRBU MARINELA1, NIȚĂ ELISABETA1

1Hyperion University, Faculty of Psychology and Educational Sciences, Department of Psychology

Corresponding author: SÎRBU M, Calea Călărașilor 169, Sector 3, București, 030615

E-mail address: psihoterapii_scurte@yahoo.com

Abstract

Objectives: This study aims at seeing which the stress level is during the COVID19 pandemic on a diverse adult population from Romania.

Method: For stress evaluation a specific tool having 39 items called affective distress profile (PDA) was used. It measures positive emotions, functional negative emotions, negative dysfunctional emotions, and the White Bear suppression inventory scale with 15 items which assess a person’s attempt to resort to suppression as a mental control strategy.

Conclusion: The results of the study provide benchmarks for psychologists for the evaluation of and psychological intervention in stress situations, benchmarks for the development of a program for the awareness of and approach to people's mental health problems during this COVID19 pandemic.

Keywords: stress, pandemic, COVID19, depression, anxiety

Introduction:

The COVID-19 pandemic generates a major health crisis that affects many countries, and a 2020 study highlights some consequences of the pandemic on mental health: symptoms of anxiety, depression, stress and insomnia. In order to manage stress, the same study lists several strategies such as: assessing the accuracy of information, improving social support, reducing stigmatization and maintaining a normal a life as much as possible, while respecting safety measures and using available psychosocial services, especially the online one, when needed. [1]

During the COVID 19 pandemic, the population is experiencing a traumatic event directly, an intense or prolonged psychological discomfort, and according to DSM 5, they may evidence symptoms of acute stress disorder, intrusive symptoms, negative moods, dissociative symptoms, avoidance symptoms and excitement symptoms. [ 2]

APA, in 2020, has recommended several measures to deal with the situation: social media can escalate anxiety more than the traditional mass-media, too much media can undermine mental health, reliable and accurate information about the situation and lack of control fuels stress and stress management can prevent long-term problems. Also, in order to reduce the risk of negative results for the mental health of the family members during isolation, efforts such as a close and open communication among family members, between children and parents, educational videos to promote a healthy lifestyle at home, and online services by psychologists in order to help families cope with the stress are recommended. [3]

Research objectives:

Identification of some stress factors within the investigated population. Distribution on social status (medical and non medical), age category (20-80 years old) and on if mental control differences exist between dysfunctional emotions of depression type and dysfunctional emotions of anxiety type.

To extract and identify the differences of mental auto-control (the White Bear suppression inventory) regarding the depressive type of thoughts and the anxious/ anxiogenic type.

To investigate and identify the differences between dysfunctional emotions of depression type and dysfunctional emotions of anxiety type among the medical and non-medical staff.

The working hypothesis of the study is that there is distress among adults in Romania during the COVID19 pandemic and that there are statistically significant associations between the various emotions of affective distress.

For the evaluation of distress, the affective distress profile (PDA) was used with 39 items grouped as follows: 6 items with negative functional emotions from the sadness category, 8 items with negative dysfunctional emotions from the depression category, 6 items with negative functional emotions from the anxiety category, 6 items with negative dysfunctional emotions from the anxiety category and 13 items with positive emotions. The PDA scale was designed for the Romanian population by David Opriș and Bianca Macavei in 2005, and this scale is part from the clinical evaluation system (SEC) that has been adapted in Romania by University Professor Dr. Daniel David.

The results obtained by analyzing of the construct validity of the query are: the positive association between emotional distress and cognitive distortions, and anxiety and depression. [4]

The study has also used the same clinical assessment system and the White Bear Suppression Inventory (WBSI) scale, which was developed by Daniel Weigner and Sophia Zanakos with 15 items that follows a person's tendency to resort to suppression as mental control.

There are many studies that show successful suppression for the avoidance of the negative emotions, and for the control of some undesired emotions but there are also studies which are showing that the suppression has failed and which evidence an increase in the accessibility of the undesired thoughts both during the suppression period as well as during the immediate following one. [5]

The study was conducted through a survey in April 2020, and the number of respondents was 110, out of which 50 were respondents from the medical sector, and 60 respondents from the non-medical sector aged between 20-75 years (Table 1).

Table 1- Distribution by age category and by the domain of medical or non-medical professional activity.

From the analysis of the White Bear suppression inventory scale it has resulted an average of 50.98 points for those in the medical sector and an average of 50.26 points for those in the non-medical sector and the highest score item for the ones in the medical sector is "Sometimes I wish to think about nothing" while the highest score item for those in the non-medical sector is "Sometimes I wonder why certain thoughts come to my mind." From the analysis of the affective distress scale (PDA) it has resulted a high distress level among the medical staff and a high level of distress on the inferior limit among the non-medical staff.

Table 2- Average emotions on the emotional distress scale.

For the statistical analysis of the results obtained from the two tests the statistics program Epi Info Classic Analysis was used, a statistics software developed by the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in Atlanta, Georgia (USA) that was licensed as public domain. The association between the response categories was analyzed using the chis-quared test, the contingency table among the items on the affective distress scale. Linear regression was also used in order to identify which are the variables, particularly, the significant predictors of the result variable and also to explain the relation between a dependent variable and one or more independent variables. The regression analysis helps us understand how much the dependent variable changes with a change in one or more independent variables. The following indicators have been used in this analysis: Coefficient – the regression coefficient representing the average modification of the response variable for a single modification unit in the predictor variable while it is keeping other predictors within the constant level of the model; std error – the standard error is an estimation of the standard deviation of one coefficient; P –value, a predictor with a low p value, is a significant addition to the model because the variations in the value of the predictor are correlated to the modifications of the response variable; Constant – guarantees that the residues do not have a positive or negative global trend and are used as a garbage can for any prejudice that is not explained by the terms of the model; Correlation Coefficient: r ^ 2- shows the intensity of the link between the regression series, and r> 0 indicates the direct links, and r close to +1 indicates a close link between variables; Sum of Squares – provides information on how long the regression line has been estimated from the horizontal line "without relations"; Mean Square- provides information about the differences among the samples; F-statistics- shows if a of group of variables are significantly in common; Residuals-shows the difference between the value observed and the predicted value.

Results:

A statistically significant association has been established between the Depressed item, in the section with negative dysfunctional emotions, depression category, and the Anxious item in the section with negative dysfunctional emotions, anxiety category. (table 3) (probability p <0.05, chi-squared test, df-degrees of freedom)

Table 3- Association between the Depressed item and the Anxious item

Row% – percentage of the total Anxious item for each answer variant; Col% – percentage of the total Depressed item for each answer variant.

A statistically significant association was established among the Useless item from the section with the negative dysfunctional emotions, from the depression category and the Nervous item from the section with negative dysfunctional emotions, anxiety category. (Table 4) (probability p <0.05, chi-squared test, df-degrees of freedom)

Table 4- Association of the non-useful item with the Nervous item

Row% – percentage of the total Useless item for each answer variant; Col% – percentage of the total Nervous item for each answer variant.

A statistically significant association was established between the Sad item in the section with negative functional emotions, sadness category and the Concerned item in the section with negative functional emotions, worried category. (Table 5) (probability p <0.05, chi-squared test, df-degrees of freedom)

Table 5- Association of the Sad item with the Concerned item

Row% – percentage of the total Concerned item for each answer variant; Col% – percentage of the total Sad item for each answer variant.

A statistically significant association has been established between the Melancholic item from the section of negative functional emotions, sadness category, and the Worried item from the section of negative functional emotions, concerned category. (table 6) (probability p <0.05, chi-squared test, df-degrees of freedom)

Table 6- Association of Melancholic item with Worried item

Row%- the total percent of the Worried item for each answer variant; Col%- the total percent of Melancholic item for each answer variant

A statistically significant association was established between the Jovial item in the positive emotions section and the Enthusiastic item within the same section. (table 7) (probability p <0.05, chi-squared test, df-degrees of freedom)

Table 7- Association of Jovial item with Enthusiastic item

Row% – percentage of the total Jovial item for each answer variant; Col% – percentage of the total Enthusiast item for each answer variant

The interaction between the dependent variable I often do various things in order to distract myself from the thought has been analyzed with the independent variable Satisfied using the regression model and the result obtained is statistically significant p = 0.007 (p <0.05, F-test). (Table 8)

Table 8- Linear regression – Satisfied

The interaction between the dependent variable Sometimes I try to keep myself busy just to prevent my thoughts to take over my mind has been analyzed with the independent variable Glad using the regression model and the result obtained is statistically significant p = 0.007 (p <0.05, F- test). (Table 9)

Table 9- Linear Regression- Glad

The interaction between the dependent variable I have thoughts which I am trying to avoid has been analyzed with the independent variable Destroyed using the regression model and the obtained result is statistically significant p = 0.000 (p <0.05, F-test). (Table 10)

Table 10- Linear Regression- Destroyed

The interaction between the dependent variable I have thoughts which I am trying to avoid with the independent variable Terrified using the regression model and the result obtained is statistically significant p = 0.000 (p <0.05, F-test). (Table 11)

Table 11- Linear Regression- Terrified

Discussion:

In 2020, a study was conducted in China in Wuhan city which measured the psychological stress among front-line medical assistants (234), non-front-line medical assistants (292) and individuals who did not belong to the medical staff (214). The results have shown that the lowest stress was among the front-line nurses, and the highest stress level was recorded among individuals who did not belong to the medical staff. These results show that psychological interventions are utterly necessary for people irrespective of their professional status, and the interventions that are effectively contributing to the health of the population. [5]

One of the studies has investigated the prevalence and the predictors of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSS) in the areas with the strongest impact from China, during the COVID-19 outbreak, particularly exploring the gender differences existing in PTSS. One month after the December 2019 COVID-19 outbreak in Wuhan China, PTSS and sleep quality were analyzed for 285 people in Wuhan and the surrounding cities, using the PTSD criteria from DSM-5 and four items from the Pittsburgh sleep quality index (PSQI). The results have shown that the prevalence of PTSS in China's most affected areas, one month after the outbreak of COVID-19, was of 7%. Women reported a significantly higher PTSS in the re-experimentation area, negative changes of cognition or disposition, and hyper excitement. Participants with a better sleep quality or a lower frequency of early awakenings reported a lower level of PTSS. Professional and effective mental health services should be designed to help the psychological well-being of the population from the affected areas, and primarily those living in the highest impact areas. [6]

A systematic review has shown that videoconference psychotherapy has promising results for anxiety and mood disorders (Berryhill et al., 2019), and the foundation of the proofs for therapist-guided internet interventions is even stronger (Andersson, 2016). Myths about telehealth, as for example “therapeutic alliance that can only be established face to face” have, so far, dominated the area, in spite of the researches which show the opposite (Berger, 2017). This virus appears to be a greater catalyst for the implementation of online therapy and of electronic health tools in the routine practice rather than the two decades of numerous brilliant trials which however have failed in this domain (Mohr et al., 2018). [7] Since the predictions about COVID-19 are still largely unclear right now, it is time to create a longer term solution to the problems of the population and patients, as for example for those who are still active in the community and the ones being taken care of at home or isolated in hospitals. Therefore, video conferencing and internet interventions could be very helpful in terms of health care as well as in physical care. In the current crisis situation, the e-mental health applications have a far greater value as compared with the transmission of videoconferences on psychotherapy. Practitioners need to quickly start adopting the e-mental health care applications, both as methods by which they can continue to care for their current patients in need as well as for the interventions needed in order to be able to face the imminent increase in mental health symptoms caused by Coronavirus. [8] Fear and furry are repercussions of COVID19 and they can constitute the growing key of the increasing level of anxiety and stress, and the psychological support is an essential component for the medical and non-medical staff, but right now, there are no universal protocols or guidelines for the most efficient psychological assistance practices. [9]

During the pandemic, most educated people and health professionals are aware of this infection, of the eventual prevention measures, of the importance of social separation and of the government's initiatives towards limiting the spread of the infection. However, there are concerns among the population regarding the infestation with COVID-19. People have higher perceptual needs in order to face to their mental health difficulties. It is necessary to develop a new awareness program and which should address people’s mental health problems during this COVID-19 pandemic. Currently, there is no study on the evaluation of the people’s mental health perspective problems during the COVID-19 pandemic. It is important to study the impact on mental health on diverse populations (general populations, the COVID-19 patients and the health care staff) for the implementation of efficient intervention strategies. [10]

Conclusions:

The statistically significant associations resulting from the data analyses namely of the negative dysfunctional emotions (depressed and anxious, useless and nervous), negative functional emotions (melancholic and worried, sad and preoccupied), and positive emotions (jovial and enthusiastic), have offered benchmarks for psychologists, and not only for them, in analyzing the psycho-emotional patients in crisis situations during the evaluation stage. Also the associations between the emotions terrified and destroyed and the statement I have thoughts which I am trying to avoid, between the emotion glad and the statement Sometimes I try to keep myself busy just to prevent my thoughts to take over my mind, and between the emotion satisfied and the statement I often do various things in order to distract myself from the thought are offering benchmarks for psychologists in analyzing the psycho-emotional patients in crisis situations during the intervention stage. The test of the White Bear suppression inventory (WBSI) which was used in this research, particularly for the experience of intrusive thoughts of the people participating in the study and less for measuring the persons’ capacity to use suppression as a mental control strategy because, according to a study from 2003 this mental control strategy is inadequate for the most cases [11]

The suppression and the sensitivity of anxiety have been less explored and according to a study from 2010 they have been positively associated, and their interaction can predict increased panic levels and this way the result obtained in our research, the statistically significant association between the emotion terrified and the statement I have thoughts which I am trying to avoid, can be taken into consideration as a benchmark in the evaluation and the intervention stages of the patients’ anxiety in crisis situations. [2]

The results of one study from 2003 supports the idea that when mental control is being undermined, the suppression effort can fuel the depression rumination and, this way, the statistically significant association between the emotion destroyed and the statement I have thoughts which I am trying to avoid can be taken into consideration as a benchmark in the evaluation stage of the patients’ depression in crisis situations. [13]

Life during the COVID19 pandemic – the 2nd study

In April 2020, the studies on life during the COVID19 pandemic continued on an adult population from Romania using another survey which comprised symptoms of generalized anxiety and of the depressive episode ICD 10, a scale of attitudes and beliefs, the short form (ABSs) and a self-efficiency scale (SES). 45 people out of whom 37 females and 8 males aged 20 to75 years have answered the survey. The distribution of the 45 people according to their completed studies is the following: 15 with high school studies, 14 with higher education and 16 with master / doctoral studies.

The symptoms of generalized anxiety are: fears about future misfortunes, the feeling of being on the edge of the abyss, permanent turmoil, inability to relax, tremors, dizziness, sweating, tachycardia or tachypnea, epigastric discomfort, dry mouth.

The symptoms of the depressive episode are: decreased ability to concentrate and pay attention, reduced self-esteem and self-confidence, ideas of guiltiness and lack of value, a sad and pessimistic vision of the future, ideas or acts of self-harming, disturbed sleep, diminished appetite.

The distribution of anxiety and depression symptoms before and after the COVID19 pandemic period is the following:

During the pandemic, the number of persons with symptoms of anxiety, and those evidencing the following depression symptoms has increased: reduced ability to concentrate and pay attention, a sad and pessimistic vision of the future, ideas or acts of self-harming, disturbed sleep, diminished appetite. During the pandemic, the number of persons with the following symptoms of depression has decreased: reduced self-esteem and self-confidence, ideas of guiltiness and lack of value. The scale of attitudes and beliefs, the short form (ABSs) has 8 items out of which 4 refer to irrational beliefs (absolutist claims / catastrophes / low tolerance on frustration / negative overall assessment) and the other 4 items refer to rational beliefs (preferences / nuanced evaluation of the aversive character of an event/ frustration tolerance / unconditional acceptance of a his/herself and the evaluation of the specific behaviours).

The irrational beliefs are the evaluative cognitions which are inconsistent with objective reality leading to negative dysfunctional emotions and the rational believes respect the logic’s principles and help reaching the goals. [14]

The results of the study evidence a very high irrationality level (11.91 points) and high irrationality (8.97 points) among the respondents. The irrational belief with the highest score is “It is unpleasant that things have happened that way”, and the rational belief with the highest score is “I would have very much liked that things did not happen that way, but I know that things should not always be the way I wish them to be.”

The self-efficiency scale (SES) has 10 items and measures one person’s strong belief that his/her own actions are responsible for the success of a certain activity.

Self-efficiency includes the persons ‘certitude for their capacity of being able to face some specific situations in relation with the persons’ decision to get engaged in diverse behaviours. [15]

The scale of self-efficiency (SES) shows representations of the person’s own competences in different functional domains, identifies the person’s dysfunctionality, and has the capacity of completing the person’s clinical portrait. [16]

The score obtained in the study of 29.75 points indicates a low level of self-efficiency (the respondent has a higher self-efficiency level than 6.7 of the general population). The item having the highest score is "Usually, when I have a problem, I am able to look for a solution."

The distribution of answers from the attitudes and short-term beliefs scale, the short form (ABSs) for each article is the following:

1-Things should not happen the as they have happened.

2-It is terrible that things have happened that way

3- I would have very much liked that things did not happen that way, but I consider that it does not reflect on my own value as a person.

4-It is unpleasant that things have happened that way

5-I cannot stand the fact that things happened that way

6-The fact that the things happened that way means that I am a value less person

7 I would have very much liked that things did not happen that way, but I know that things should not always be the way I want them to be.

8-Although I do not like what has happened, I can bear with it.

The distribution of answers from the self-efficiency scale (SES) for each item is the following:

1-I manage to always solve difficult problems if I work hard enough

2-Even if someone opposes me, I manage to identify the necessary ways and means to get what I want

3-It is easy for me to be consistent with my objectives and to reach my goals

4-I am confident that I can successfully deal with the unforeseen events

5-Due to my resources, I know how to deal with the unexpected situations

6-I can solve most problems, if I invest the necessary effort

7-I can stay calm when I face difficulties because I can rely on my adaptive skills

8-When I face a problem I can usually identify several solutions

9-Usually, when I have a problem I can think of a solution

10- Usually, I can handle any situation and any kind of problem I have to face

The observations on self-efficiency coincide when the beliefs about efficiency are evaluated globally and/or do not correspond to the critical tasks with which they are compared, their predictive value being diminished or even annulled also when efficiency evaluations are adjusted to the critical task, the prediction being an improved one [17]

The perceived self-efficiency affects the behaviour by influencing the cognitive process (as for example, the improved commitment to the objectives) and the regulation of the potentially disruptive affective processes (such as fear to fail). A revision of the literature has found that a self-efficiency increase can lead to beneficial changes of the health behaviour through cognitive-behavioural techniques, such as setting goals and self-monitoring [18]

The study shows that the elements of anxiety and depression during the COVID19 pandemic are more present than before the pandemic, that there is a low level of self-efficiency, a very high level of irrationality and a high level of rationality. The association between the items of the self-efficiency short form scale and the items of the attitudes and beliefs, is not statistically significant, and this fact highlights the need to identify and put to action new individual forms of stress management through new researches, eventually with a higher number of respondents.

2.Journal pages about quality of life and stress during the COVID19 pandemic

Mihaela Șchiopu1, Niță Elisabeta

1 Phd-Ion Mincu University of Architecture and Urbanism Shape Study Department , art-therapist

2.1 Journal pages of people with pre-existing medical diagnosis / vulnerable mental status

2.1.a- A.D., student, leukaemia

Howdy! My name is A.D. I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia, which is why at the time at the time I am writing these lines, unlike most people, I have a familiar experience of self-isolation, great care for hygiene, and generally speaking care for my health. First of all, the summary of this testimonial is that I am fine. Further on, I should go on to describe how well I feel, and how have I come to feel well when I was sick. Before my illness, I was a shy teenager. I had been like this since my childhood. It was difficult for me to relate to strangers, to deal with social situations. It was easy for me to express myself solely with close friends and family. Even at school, where teachers knew it was hard for me to utter my answers my hands and voice were trembling. Taking into consideration those aspects, the misfortune I had with the disease made me struggle with other mental constraints, and I managed to avoid the old ones. During my illness, I was able to mentally face my own mortality. It was not easy, but even not as hard as you may think. All is to want to and accept help. In fact, I think this is the foundation for a good relation between the therapist and the patient. The patient should not be afraid to be confronted with his/her own flaws and limitations and to accept the hard truth. I have deeply experienced my own mortality being put to the test by fever which was caused by pneumonia with complications, based on my drug induced immunocompromised system. Well, this experience during the feverish episodes has culminated with an unusual tranquillity and reconciliation with the uncontrollable aspects of life. I felt, in a way, to be invincible. And what made me feel invincible was exactly the fact that I had accepted to be put to death, I had reconciled myself with my fate. I got over this episode and, when returned to society, I was faced with problems of which I was somehow helped to get rid of by my own illness. My social anxieties were now a lot more complicated, I felt as I did not belong there, even in my high school classroom, and with only one exception (one true friend), the old group of friends had already developed a chemistry without me. I had a hard time at school, I was still under medication, and felt physically tired because I was drawing the others’ attention and I did not know how to “handle it”. I was also upset because I was left behind (or having the impression of being left behind) on school knowledge. Problems like these have continued even during the first year of college, when I did not get a high enough score at the entrance examination in order to became a full-time student, and as an ID student I was attending classes like a normal student, but this aspect was still giving me the impression of exclusion.

Psychotherapy helped me understand that what I was experiencing was giving me no reason to succumb to a kind of fatalism, or as I like to say, a kind of "that's it!" It taught me that it is humanly possible and that overcoming such inconveniences I would learn abilities which I would be able to use for my general well-being for the rest of my life. Of course, my lack of discipline, exercised by me for years, seems to have made the process harder, but I never wanted to give up. I was enjoying growing up like that, so I continued doing new things, surpassing myself, and trying to be better. The creative activities helped me the most during those endeavours. I started writing poems, I started making jokes, and humour had already been part of my personality. I used to tell jokes to get rid of the tension I was feeling when I stepped out into the world. I was helped in these endeavours by the podcasts between the TV Shows with Teo, Vio and Costel, where the three comedians were chatting during the breaks of the weekend shows at Club 99. Listening to them, I realized that my style of humour matches theirs, and seeing that they are successful, I realized that, in fact, there was nothing wrong with me; everything was in my mind, so that I started using my humour more often and that was how I managed to get contacts. People started looking for me because I was good company. I have been recently faced with the challenge of learning how to say NO. On this occasion, once I have set my goals as a life style, I became aware that one needs to reduce his/her connections because the most contagious diseases are the bad habits. As a college student, I managed well, I grew up, I was never the best, but I managed to step up to a full-time student then to a budgeted student. Then, I befriended with people who were more passionate of the college than me because I liked being contaminated with their passion and that helped me a lot. I was always trying to make friends with people who knew more than I did, or who did better than me at least one subject matter’s chapter. I like to steal skills as I have done with the podcast humour. Now, I am not so afraid of people, I even like them. I have learned not to focus on me when I talk to people, but rather to pay attention to them, to listen to them more than to myself and that is how I hear interesting stories. I have always something to learn from people, even from such examples as “not that way”. I like to laugh with people and, in recent years, I have learned to show them the best part of me so they would be tempted to show me the best part of them, too, because, as I said, habits are contagious. Overall, the experiences with this way of conduct were pleasant. I am still far from being the way I want to be from the point of view of socialization, but the change is noticeable. I have also managed to build a healthy relationship. I was privileged to meet a girl from whom I have something to learn in terms of expressing and materializing feelings through actions and words, because, as I use to, I am going to steal my skills in this field, too.

Currently, I am trying to be more disciplined, I have been trying this for a long time, but, on very many occasions, I came back to my old habits. I was not feeling well at the moment, but I liked to think that I was learning something every time. Now, I am slowly, slowly applying what I have learned, and I am making progress in this respect, but I am not satisfied. The way I want to achieve it is to eliminate the "free of charge" pleasures. I do not want to offer myself any rewards without deserving them, I no longer play without studying first, I do not see a movie without finishing the subject matters for the seminar, I do not eat anything sweet without having some physical activity first. Do I always stick to the rules? No, I am a rebel. This is my personality, my tendency is that when I am told something to take that thing and make it ridicule, but I do not fall prey to the tendency. Every time I break the rules, I focus on my sentiment of guiltiness which I undoubtedly feel. So I know that what I have done is not all right. Other things which have helped me over time and which I have currently integrated into my day by day life are: breathing exercises, meditation, and actively listening to music. The last one is the most important. Music has always been a part of my life, I have spent a great part of my life keeping the headphones on my ears or hearing something on the speakers, but I have realized that much of that experience is in vain because my attention was distributed, and so, I discovered that albums which I had been listening dozens of times may bear hidden meanings, even stronger and more important ones than I had experienced before. My belief is that by carefully listening to music I can find the divine connection that I have lacked during my adolescence and which is now beginning to show up due to my near-death experience and due to my penchant for creativity. In the end, creativity is the divine side of the human being and no matter how positivist and unfaithful you may be, simply recognizing creativity and its results makes you some kind of believer. In conclusion, I want to emphasise an aphorism that goes in line with Corona virus’ pandemic content and with the disease I had a few years ago. It has recently come to my mind and I hope that no one else has told that to you before. And if someone has already done it, I would apologise. This is not an intended plagiarism; it is just caused by its ubiquitousness.

“Most likely things do not happen for a reason, but we have to behave as if they were happening for a reason”.

2.1.b- R., student, at the end of a long oncological treatment

At first, I thought it would be hard for me to stay home, and then I took this experience as a break to read my favourite books, paint, and try new recipes. And, of course, it is an opportunity which allows me to better know myself. It would be so nice if people would not panic so much about little things. In the end, the health of our beloved ones is more important than going out to a park or to the restaurant. I am not the kind of person to brag about my own success. I prefer to give other examples then giving pieces of advice. And in connection with isolation, the power of resistance is not offered to everyone, so I cannot automatically judge those who do not stay indoors, although I would like all of us to live in solidarity.

During all my hospitalization period, I have not only begun seeing people in a different way, but I started to see life differently, too and that made me become the person I am now. It was neither hard nor easy. I think it all ends well when you have the right people close to you.

Lately, I have started to reconnect with the friends and relatives I have missed. I also have discovered, inside me, the patience that I did not know it could be useful for me in the future. I hope that the rest of the world will go through these difficult times for all of us as easily as I did. And they should keep in mind memories of themselves together with their beloved ones. I have always believed that everything in life happens for a certain reason, so even now I am analyzing this thing and meditating a lot on it.

For me, it was helpful to spend a lot of time with my passions and this is what I would recommend to everyone. It is amazing how days go on even without noticing it when you do what you like. With three books, a set of brushes, a few colours, and a drawing pad, my time has quickly vanished. I also have time to play with my pets, whose love is always charging me positively.

2.1.c-I.S., student, elements of mixed anxiety and depressive disorder

During my life, although I am still a teenager, I had to face many emotional conditions leading to a certain type of stress. As a student, I felt the stress of the exams and tests most of the time. It was the stress of not disappointing; all those stress conditions being able to exhaust my entire body. Lately, I had some health problems, which created the strongest feelings of stress I have ever felt since I have known myself without being able to control myself and which resulted in a multitude of other conditions such as fear. I felt like a stranger in my own body, I felt like these negative states were leading a battle with me which they could easily win, and I was letting myself be easily defeated without retaliating. It was a difficult journey to learn to accept, try to relax, and think positively. Many times I wanted to renounce, to give up, because whatever I was doing the bad thoughts came back to me, blurring my mind and my entire body. I must admit that stress was a challenge for me which I could not face alone. I needed help. I needed my family to tell me that everything would be fine, everything would go away, and everything would come back to normal. Naturally, I also needed my psychologist’ words and actions, whom I wish to thank this way for helping me to detach myself, to understand, and to see only the full side of the glass by realizing that it is just a stage in my life that is transient and from which I had to profit, because I have to learn a lot from this experience, an experience that would make me different from others and a more special person. Fortunately, I went well through every hard condition and I recovered well both physically and mentally. The less happy part is that now we are all going through a harder, weirder period, in which we have to be selfish and think about our health first by avoiding this virus which is attacking both the fragile organisms of children, as well as those of people who are "more routed through life". Solely if you do not pay interest in yourself and in those close to you, you will not experience stress, fear and the desire to get successfully through this difficult period. Finally, I can boast with the fact that my previous experience has taught me to see things differently. To treat everything with a sense of responsibility, to be able to control myself and to help my psyche select the good information and not the one that can badly affect me, and without hiding the truth about the current situation. I realized that it is not difficult to control yourself if you know your goals. You should aim at doing something after this isolation period and make a wish for in order to be able to understand that while doing something you want to do you should be willing to make certain sacrifices, too. This exercise is valid for any type of problem you are going through. In order to successfully get through this period and help my psyche stay within a "healthy environment", I have realized that I could do things that are relaxing and make me be detached from the ongoing problems. For me, mental relaxation consists of a lot of reading and time spent with my family watching movies or talking and debating certain topics, discovering our deep thoughts, creating certain games meant to make us discover both ourselves and those around us, opening topics that can put us both emotionally and the rationally to test. It is important to have dreams to believe in, and you would eagerly want to fulfil them. It is important to know how to control your stress by trying to do things that you enjoy and which manage to get you out of those states of anxiety. Everything has a solution. You just have to believe in yourself and your own strength because you are the only one who can help you! Do not let stress take over your mind and body. Let yourself be helped by those around you, your family and even by a psychologist who will surely make you see things from a different perspective.

2.1.d- I., nurse, Covid 19 diagnosis

I have got Covid. I had some headaches and twinges, especially on my left side, I put sanitary alcohol even on my head, and on my chest I put potatoes with alcohol just to get over the illness. When I blew my noses, I my snot was mixed with blood, like in a cold and

I was thinking a lot about A.. It was also the Easter period of time. There are emotions that sometimes you cannot control, you hard try, but you do not succeed. I have been missing her very, very much. I thought I could pass away to be with her, but then I said to myself: wait a minute, but what am going to I do with this other child (my friend’s child, whom I was taking care of), I am going to mess up people.

And in the end, that is my mentality, that you do not live a moment longer than God wants you to. Even though there are some chicken-hearted people who commit suicide, everything comes from God. We have the impression of doing certain things. He has granted us the free will and when we think we have done something great that could flash like a thunderbolt, woe to us. And I really miss her terribly much.

My friend also says that she misses her child, who lives here, far from his country. She sees him by video camera and I sometimes tell her, “Leave it now, you can see him on the camera, this will soon go away and we shall see one another in Romania. But think of me because I can no longer see A.". I have been aware since that time that I have to learn to live with her on a spiritual level not on a physical one. But being a human being, when she was sick, no matter how bad she felt, she said: “just kiss me and take me in your arms again”. I was even afraid to touch her, seeing how bad and exhausted the poor girl was.

We were very close. If I did not enjoy having a real mother, I was for A. the mother I was missing. We were kissing and hugging all day long. I remember that when she was operated on everything possible at hospital, it was terrible. The poor thing had come out of the surgery room and I was thinking of not going over her with my germs. And the nurse said: ma'am, but you can kiss your daughter! She would have thought that I was a cold mother. But I was afraid to touch her, for fear of infecting her. For the sake of your children, you tend to recover. But, when it comes to the elders you know that they are going to pass away anyway, and at least you wish they do not go in torment, wanting to do everything possible to make them comfortable, to make them feel good, to be able to caress them. An old woman with Parkinson was about to pass away. I gave her what I knew I should give. I looked at her sleeping; at least I knew she was fine that way. The woman was not even able to eat anymore, she was being fed otherwise. But if she wanted at least some water, I was glad I could give it to her. That glass of water meant something to her.

I feel that others regard it with a heavy heart and are afraid to do it. We had two cases of old women who were tested positive, but I am not afraid. I have colleagues who keep on testing themselves continuously and I think: "you have not got the Covid". The symptoms I had been by the book. I have not had such a fever for 30 years. Some say I am telling stories. What stories? I have also seen queries on Facebook asking if someone knows anyone who is ill. I am one of those ill people, but I would not comment on it. I was just reading it and having fun. Courage! That is all I know because I have been a responsible person since I was a little child. I was also amazed that when I am in crisis situations, I react in a different way than I would expect me to. I happened to sometime lose my temper, though, especially with A., when I found out that it has happed for the second time, I suddenly was not even able to put her any perfusion and it was she who was encouraging me to do it.

An old man told me he would send me for the “crown” to China. That is how we used to joke. But look, I got this virus even without going to China. The old man was continuously watching the news and wanted to be tested all the time. He had the same age as my father. He had Parkinson and an amputated leg.

Living with Covid was nasty. I had huge pains, and I could barely turn from one side to another. And I was thinking about the torments that A. had gone through. I always think about how that cerebrospinal fluid of hers was flowing. And I was also thinking of a colleague who had a hip fracture and underwent surgery. She said to me: “Well, I spent two months with my eyes on the ceiling and in that condition I was waiting for someone to change my flask. And people are now complaining that they have to stay indoors”. And little A. had pains and had to stay in indoors for seven months. But to whom could I explain that? That should not be told. So, many times, I have taken notice of the others’ reaction and decided to better keep silent.

Let us not play “Stan Patitul” – Stan who has suffered all – Let us also learn from the others, I sometimes tell myself. But you do not have to go through all such horrors in order to understand something. That is why we cannot live in isolation but in a society so we can also see the others. Everyone has his/her own lessons to learn. Some people feel well while complaining, thinking it helps unloading their burden while I, consider complaining as bad omen. If I were complaining, God would have slapped the back of my head.

After what happened to A., I wanted to be close to people, to offer affection. Children need encouragement. Those hospitalised here only need affection and palliation. Since this isolation period, the daughter of a resident told me: "in the end, I think my mother does not even know what is going on", and I replied: "I think I rather miss your father who was visiting my mother " (But now, with the Covid it is no longer possible) and I added that I think the old woman is blessed. Her daughter replied: ‘in the end she has you and I think that all those hospitalized here become more familiar with you than with us, the relatives” And she is right. The elders know us by our word of mouth, by everything we do. We clean their bottoms, we wash them. And the daughter of old woman interned here left resignedly.

Old age also means helplessness. It is hard for them to accept that they are no longer the way they used to be and you can see them with broken souls after a lifetime struggle. It affects you; it moves you very hard, particularly, at this moment. Let us take, for example, Au.. When he realized that he would not be able to continue living, and would not be able to see his niece, he cried. He was not even 70 years old. I remember the moment when the doctor told A. what he had to say. She replied: “in consequence I am to understand that I am solely in the hands of God, and that is it”. That's how she found out that she was once again having cancer and she said, "Mommy, I know it sounds silly, it sounds really bad, but you should know that I feel I have been chosen by God." Then, when she saw that I did not accept it, she started trying to make me drunk with cold water, giving me another teenager as example, which was also having metastases and she was alive. And after trying to get me drunk with cold water, she also started hoping, poor girl. But after talking to the doctor once again, she was very disappointed. It was the time when she understood that it was no longer possible and that she was going to die.

That is how I felt about Au., too. I compared her very much with A. although she had her own manner of being. When I saw her realizing she had the same destiny, and I remembered the phase when A. was also aware that there was nothing left to do I had the same feeling. And this feeling is going to stay with me all the time, stickled there in my memory.

I have another Greek girlfriend. She had very vague symptoms and had to stay isolated as well. While I was sick, she came to me, did some shopping, dropped them at my door and left. Sometimes, I was able to get up, make sarmale (meat balls in cabbage leaves), wrapped them up, and then went back to bed. That was all I could do for Easter, another Easter without A..

I have always been close to people. I am always thinking that I am blessed to have quality people around me. Few are that lucky. I did not have a family, but I was lucky to have people close to my soul. Everyone thinks: what is my purpose in this life, apart for my job? We are part of a great puzzle made by God. The closer you get to God, the less you have to define your role in life, you can feel it. It is a spiritual experience. Your mind and soul are enlightened. And I say, “Lord, let your will be done. You love me so much”. I have read this prayer: “Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, return all my enemies to goodness and prayer.” And I said to myself, Lord, I think my biggest enemy is me.

Basically, it was a raise aloft for A.. Only now I understand that she is more alive than we are. I have to live with her the way she is now. She is there, I can feel it, but she is just in another dimension. I have to grow, to develop and to advance spiritually, in order to be able to have a closer relationship with her. We were physically very close, but now I realize that this distance and this longing are because she is still on another level and I have to learn to get closer to her in a different way, which is very difficult, it is the ideal way. I have read a short story with a meaning. There was a mother who had lost her son and was angry with God while she was walking on a field. There were also sheep and a shepherd who had to cross a bridge. The shepherd took a lamb in his arms and the mother sheep followed him. And so the whole flock crossed the bridge. It is the same thing. God has taken my child and I must follow Him.

I look at my elders when they are about to go. I stretch out my hand to touch them. It is more important to me to hold that hand. A glass of water and a caress seem more important to me than the pills.

Let us be happy that there is no war, as it is in Syria where people have left in despair. Or like that man on the internet, Vuck who has no hands and feet. He cannot hug anyone. He and we, the ones who lose a loved one, feel that we can never take him/her in our arms again. Let us thank Lord for both good and bad.

It was dark one evening. I had the car parked outside and the windshield was steamed. Driving was more difficult. The headlights of the cars looked like long silhouettes. You could only see two lights. I said to myself, God, what if we would only look with the eyes of the mind, not seeing our bodies, and be able to actually see what we are beyond our bodies? We could only see our spirits and we would no longer be able to see our forms and if we are blond or brown. We would not see our carcases, but only the light. In fact, that is what we are.

2.1.e- L., freelancer, bereavement

It is raining now. And the weather is somehow filling me with melancholy. This period was hard but at the same time I have enjoyed staying in with D. so much. Both of us did. It is as if we have collected our thoughts together and have learned to cherish every second we have, to think of our own worries and put order in our thoughts, life, and in everything else. On one side, it was beautiful, but it was also very difficult because we had to deal with things that, every time we were working, we were able to put them aside of our minds. Now, we had to go through this period with all our thoughts. The most difficult problem for me was that I was very, very much thinking of A. lately. Extremely much, and I believe, that during the last seven years I had never thought so much about him. It seemed to me that I had to let those thoughts to come out at their chosen time. I am now realizing that so many years have passed and we did not face what we had to face when it happened. And I have realized that I am still missing him very, very much. Yet I do not know anymore. I cannot anymore surface what I should have revealed at that time because I have learned so well to conceal my feelings inside and I am still feeling the need to cry but I am not able to. I mean, I start crying and then I suddenly stop. And I did not carry it to an end the way I used to do it seven years ago. I was really doing it at that time, but after half a year everyone was telling me, come on, you will see that it will pass away. And that is why I started to stifle all my feelings, and that is exactly what I have done. I have not let anything come out. I used to hide myself in a corner, wiped my face, and said to myself “come on, people are watching and seeing you with your swollen eyes and they would ask you why”. And that is how you learn to hide your tears. It was good that during this tame I had the opportunity to think of A. more than ever. I am abstaining myself from saying that it is generally not very difficult. I cannot avoid thinking about where had we been seven years ago and what our life could have been like if we still had A.. Probably, we were not in Bucharest. What would our life have been with our child? Should we all have been consigned to stay indoors all this time and do some things such as watching movies and play? He would have been at school. His kindergarten was in front of the school. All the time we were leaving with A. from the kindergarten we sat in front of the school for at least half an hour and A. was looking and said “A. has little time left before he goes to school, too”. There was some meaning there: it was the school where D. had studied, school No.7. I have not thought about this for a long time. I did not remember him like that, the way he was before getting sick. Many of my memories are from his period of illness. Now, I have remembered the previous periods of time. He was very joyful and happy. He would go out in the yard and run for butterflies, caress roses when they started to grow, and so on. He would cut flowers and call D. out of the house because he wanted to gently wake me up. He would put a rose on my pillow and kiss me. I know that he was fully aware that we loved him very much during every moment of his life. I also remember his voice; it sounds very clear in my mind, when he told me that he loved me. When I came home, he was on his feet around us and the three of us were kissing.

We must learn to value and enjoy what we have. We say it every time but we are doing nothing like this. We all run for money. Everyone wants more and more and we are now realizing that we are wasting a lot of time on things that, and in the end, we do not know if they can bring us happiness. But look, you can be happy with as much as you have. We are now realizing that as long as we are confined indoors, we are missing people, the few ones close to us. If you are able to go out to a park, smell a flower, and sit on the grass you do not need money for that. And you can do all these. You do not need any new clothes and anything else. You just need some people close to you and that is it. You need nothing more, because you leave from here, from the Earth taking nothing with you. I say that I shall come out of this confinement more serene and I try to be pleased with and grateful for everything we have. And if, at least ten percent of all the people would remember what we are going through right now, it must be meaningful.

We are all scared of death. We should not let this fact scare and paralyze us because then, we would have much bigger problems. Somehow, we ought to be aware that we can lose the dear ones, but we should go ahead. Let us be good, truly good. So, if you can at least say a good word to a person during one day it is a big deal. And you could help the people you see falling to go ahead.

We live a very bad life. Do we live a normal life apart from our jobs? What type of holidays have we had? I had the period of time with A.’s problem, then we had 10 days off a year during which we were running most of the time. Did I say were we visiting? We were rather running to visit more, to see more and more, to feed us and to have something to remember. And most often we were going out together with our friends. But it also makes people the happiest, when they are not going anywhere. I was missing people and their hugs very, very badly indeed. I have a few female clients who have such positive energy. I shall see one of them on my first working day. There are people you feel the need to embrace, no matter how frail and good they are. Many times before, I was embarrassed to do this. There are many dear people with whom you do not have a very close relationship. And it is holding you back from embracing them. And now, we are to actually realize that there is no way to hold them in our arms again.

I was missing my mother a lot. Who could be that person who has been taught to talk about or rather not talk when facing difficulties, except when he/she cannot bear it anymore? When the pandemic started my mother told me that she had cried solely because if something would have happened she might not see any of her children. She said: “I was afraid that I would never see you again”. I realize I was so rarely going home. And it seems so unfair to me that, during so many years, I was running for something else and I went to see her only once a year or perhaps even less. She has come to A.'s alms. From now on, when I feel I miss her, I want to get on the train and go home, the way I did before. When we first came to Bucharest, you know, I used to grab a rucksack, got on the last train to Caracal at 10 o'clock PM, my brother was waiting for me there and I was staying with them for two days. It was both beautiful and sad all that time because I really enjoyed being with D., too. This was for the first time when we have been together alone, just the two of us. After so many years, it was time to think.

When we will start working again, let us not forget what we have missed in order to avoid stepping into a vicious circle. You see, everyone wants more, and more, and even more, and unwillingly, you may start wanting it, too. We lack order in our minds and even now it is not there, because I am think of thousands of things. I think I will start working but also that I should care of my desires. I could start doing Pilates, sports, take a tailoring course and do what I would like to do. I could make some trousers and a blouse but still, I cannot keep order inside my head.

In fact, that is what I told D., my husband, that I do not want to start working yet. I would like to linger a little bit longer. I have learned to be happy, have not done much work and I learned to do things I was not doing before. We started to read, and simply to relax. Before, every evening we were coming home exhausted and during the weekends we were looking through the house and saw it was a total disaster believing that the doomsday was going to come soon if we did not clean the house on that Sunday and, then, we were just doing it all over again. I think it all starts from the order inside one’s head. And let us talk about those fears. People do not talk about what they are really afraid of. We have all learned to hide the things that are hurting and scaring us. Well dear, let us talk to someone when we are suffering. And let us not use hidden meaning, thinking that maybe, in the end, somebody may understand we wanted to say. Let us truly say what we are thinking, and instead of uttering, “oh; yes, things are not exactly as they should be” let us say: “I cannot bear it anymore”. And then, let us have the strength to carry on again.

I think of the people who have to stay in hospital, the sick ones, and those with sick children. Let us not compare them with us, there is no comparison to be made here. We are not suffering of anything. We have no problem. When you are in a hospital with your child, the only feeling you may know is fear. Fear had already begun being part of me: what if my child is going to get fever, to feel bad, what if anything would happen as a result of this treatment, if something, I do not know what, would cease to function. And this is a terrible fear. People should accept the disease and fear as real facts, not as scarecrows. It depends on how you have been built as a human being in order to be able to really see reality the way it is. There are much worse things than the ones happening to us now, namely to stay indoors. I was helped by the fact that we were all together in this situation, the entire family, and it also helped me to see A. next to me every day. You, yourself, as a human being must be strong and that is the value you have to further convey.

Now, each is as he/she has been built up. Some have absolutely no one, some are weaker, but we have to stay together. There is much suffering around. Far beyond one can imagine. We turn anything into something worth to dig in and see who is plotting there.

Let us come to our senses. Let us come together. I shall divide my time. I should go to the countryside to see my mother and also go to Giurgiu, to D.'s family, and then I would get together with some of my dear ones, and for a while I would not move from a little cottage in the Delta. And I would run to the mountains to camp around a fire in the evening, together with many people.

Everything can be solved.

I am ready to take risks. I am a little scared, but I am actually ready and very serious about it. If something is going to happen to, it will happen. You cannot run. If you live in fear all the time, it is not all right. We cannot stay in indoors for the rest of our lives. When we start going out, it will be a little bit better. I am somehow scared because I am going to get in touch with so many people. Of course I am scared. But I want to avoid going too scared to work and stop thinking all the time about: “what if I get sick, what if someone would cough in my nose…”

Let us take things the way they are. If I protect myself and do all I can do for it, it should be okay. You cannot live with this fear day after day. It is very tiring. I know how it was; I can well remember it since I was with A., that living all day in fear, fear and more fear would make you feel physically tired. That is it; there is nothing else you can do. This virus will not go away within five months. Are we to live our entire life in fear? Once you enter this circle, you will go round more and more and it is not all right, no matter how cautious you may be. What are we going to do? Shall we stay indoors; trip over a carpet bang our heads on the cement and die? Let us have fun, shall we not?

I hope we come out of this entire situation as renewed people.

2.1.f-A. A., musician, she has just concluded a cancer treatment

Quarantine, comes from an Italian word "created" more than 400 years ago when a small rat from a Chinese ship brought the plague to Venice (ironical, is it not?). Those who got the plague, were forced to stay on an island near Venice for 40 days (quaranta = 40 in Italian). As we have noticed, history has a subtle kind of humour which repeats itself from time to time. So, in 2020, a pandemic has stopped the world that was in constant motion. We humans had to stay indoors for an indefinite period of time, until the virus bearing the name of one kind of beer would leave. So, henceforth, the world became a monotonous, repetitive and trivial one. We all had to reinvent our activities. Ironically, until this pandemic, we all wanted more days off to spend with our families and friends watching TV serials or reading a good book. Now, when we have this possibility, we are suffering because we have been forced to stay indoors. Human beings can be so irresolute. By the time I am writing this article I have concluded approximately 36 days of quarantine. I cannot lie, I was terribly bored but, fortunately for me, being an artist I have found a way to escape from all the madness generated by COVID. I was trying to do something new every day. It worked out, but then I ran out of ideas. I will probably find something on the various social networks. I know this quarantine is so nasty, but at least, during this period, we can think about the things we have long time been eager to do and try (naturally, living travel aside). And how bad could it be? Here is a poem written during the quarantine.

The Universe is waiting…..

Not too delighted,

To be decrypted

By a handful of commoners

Who are aspiring to become Gods

But, they are lingering on

Failing to understand

That the entire Universe

Is inside them.

2.2 Journal pages of people without diagnosis

2.2.a, T.I., retired and volunteer

It is so hard to stay in indoors! How hard is it to stop doing the activities you used to do, your meetings with friends and the other things that used to fill in your life? Yet you did not appreciate that you were healthy, that you had what you needed, that your family was healthy! It does not seem so hard for me to stay indoors! Why? Because seven years ago, I saw a child with cancer for the first time, who was staying in the hospital for months, maybe years and he did not know if he could overcome the disease. How can they cope with it? They are children! Their friends go to kindergarten or play outside the school. They no longer have hair and some of their friends abandon them exactly when they need them most. We are living in our houses. They are living in a hospital. Even more, they endure dozens of stings and cytostatic treatments with side effects which are not easy at all! The fact that they no longer have hair and the others look at them differently affects them a lot. They see the sun from a hospital ward window. Spring is coming, the trees are in blossom, summer is coming, and autumn is also coming and they are still looking out of that window. I am happy. I am healthy. My child is healthy, too. What else could I wish for? A wonderful thing is happening to you with these children. When you leave the hospital or when they call and ask you what are you doing, they never forget to tell you: “Take care of yourself!” And I wonder, am I allowed to say I am stressed because I have to stay indoors and I get bored? I immediately put my thoughts away and said: Thank God we are healthy!”

2.2.b-S.C., retired

Ever since I have known myself, I have not reacted favourably to any imposed conditions when have not understood its purpose. But, I am not the type of person who regards the unknown as a challenge. Besides, any restriction of the space in which I can move freely has always caused me manifestations of claustrophobia. During the last weeks, I had to agree with some difficult to obey rules. In order to accept the imposed conditions, I had to harmonize with myself first. Inside my mind I was aware that it was the best way, but I started feeling that as an irreversible loss, moments that were being stolen from my life, On March 11, the date when I was last allowed to step on the ground, the trees were just beginning to bloom. Many times, sitting indoors, I felt I was losing something essential from the universe by being unable to feel the breeze of the wind carrying its unmatched smell any longer. Perhaps this is what the wild animals feel when they are put in cages. Little by little I began believing that we are also going to share their fate. I do not know when we could go out safely again. Then the long-awaited market full of spring goodies has became a dream for me, like in a documentary; spring’s firstlings: wild garlic, notch (pig weed), nettles and stevia, were waiting for me in vain. The joy of discovering them and relishing them had been abolished. During the first two weeks, our bodies went repeatedly through states of alarm, maintained by the tension created by the bad news, which were never stopping because the reality of the world were living in was sneaking into our homes and minds even during those weeks of physical "isolation ". The television broadcasts and the internet offers us, first of all, fear, frustration and pathos. "Social reality" is most often presented as a toxic factor. It should be discredited and not regarded as a fundamental aspect of our lives while we are eagerly seeking for "information" and "news". This is NOT the way. And, this is why I felt that I needed to limit my contact with this "reality" in order to be able to keep what was left of my mental health. After the first days of harsh reality, without making a list, I gradually and naturally moved on to the activities which had always been dear to me. Why could I not do the same now instead of being overwhelmed by the unknown? I made an inventory of my food and water supplies and became more careful of using them. I have baked bread, pita, pies stuffed with vegetables during the Easter fasting period of time. Then, because in the proximity of my house there was a space where many trees were growing I caught the opportunity of watching how spring was settling around seeing from my window how the trees’ foliage was growing day by day. It is a wonderful oasis of nature, in the middle of a suffocating city. Here, many species of birds are giving real concerts (not like the ones with many decibels and an avalanche of spectators!). They are singing, just for me, complying with the "isolation" rules. With a desire to prolong those beautiful moments, I also made short recordings by phone, in order to be able to also enjoy them later by reviving those moments full of charm. I also resumed my occupation related to the creation of beautiful objects for Easter or spring. The hours spent this way were a real escape from a world full of difficult situations and it has always helped me to move ahead with much joy. Then, I arranged my balcony using the plants I had and making one decoration for the Palm Sunday and the Easter celebrations. Because there was no way for new shopping, I planted the seeds I had before Easter. What a great joy! My beloved daughter, who is always trying to respect my wishes, brought me wonderful flowers for my balcony, helping me enrich my little universe. I have planted them and now I am watering them and continue to take care of them while getting much joy from them! During this period, music was an essential part of my rescue. I felt it even stronger than in other circumstances; it takes me into worlds one cannot otherwise imagine. It has always been an elixir for my soul. Reading, during this period, has proved to be a very important activity because it can interrupt the connexion to "reality" and it can help you get out of the daily moods which are generally dominated by fear. Pretty enough people show evidence of being aware of the fact that they have to be in touch with this "reality" all the time but they should also beware of becoming vulnerable to all kinds of manipulations and fake news. All this time, my greatest fear has been and it continues to be not that I may suffer any misfortune that I cannot take care of but that I may be forced to contact the outside world. Such imaginary scenarios were often haunting me during my sleepless nights and sometimes during the day, too. During the many years of my life, my hard tried heart has shown me signs of helplessness several times. And, I feel very grateful when I am able to overcome that condition. Maybe the ones who can always be guided by the mind, not by the soul are safer (or, perhaps not!). I was never able to be like that. I would not like to create the image of a successful human being in the fight against the current stress, because I am not! I still feel overwhelmed by worries, by the fear of the unknown (everybody does), of what is going to happen. And then, during this confinement, being unable to feel the scent and the cool breeze of the lilac bunches, even if it happens during one single spring season in life, is unimaginable to me. In conclusion, for all the ones who are going to read these lines, the “game off” solution is the guaranteed one during the many moments that seem difficult to go through, yet you must treat it with total sincerity and dedication and with the involvement of your body and soul. It may look like I am jumping from one thing to another, but, lately, that is how everything has come out.

2.2.c- G., student

I consider myself one of the few lucky persons during the pandemic. I have the opportunity to stay together with my close family members in a house in the mountain, isolated from all problems and the hustle and bustle beyond our gate. And, if I think better about it, all the fuss is happening much further away from our gate, at least that is what I have felt when I was with some business in Bucharest for two days.

As the time for my departure time was coming, I became more and more anxious. Why? I don't know. It was like I was going on a mission, not on a two-hour trip by car. I had my self-statement with me, and I knew I should not deviate from the route, or exceed the time interval written on that paper. A possible meeting with the police (which had actually happened) was what was agitating me the most. How should I behave? What should I tell them?! I was worrying too much, and I was aware of it, but I was unable to control myself.

The two days in Bucharest brought me an amalgam of feelings, emotions and experiences. Although I was at home, within my comfort zone, I was always felling a pressure, a tension, as if I were sitting on thorns. And I was always thinking of how well was it in the mountain yard, where I did not have to wear a mask, be attentive to what I touch, and how often I wash my hands. I am not, by any means, a hypochondriac, but the two days had activated inside my mind a constant fear of getting sick, just because all of a sudden, I found myself in a city where the virus seemed to act at its own whim. I do not know any sick person, nor do my close friends, and all the information I usually get is from mass-media. It was the first time that a “world” was created for me without having a direct perception of it, a “world” that I simply comprehended, from what I had heard. It is surprising how our instinct of conservation is being activated and what actions do we take under the impulse of fear. The strong anxiety that took hold of me while I was in Bucharest I can blame, on one side, on the enormous differences between the city where I usually live and the village where I am now living in isolation, and on the other side, on my lack of “training” for an environment which is being vitiated by illness, stress and fear.

I have not even tried to imagine what could have been like to spend all this time in my apartment in Bucharest, but the fact that so many people manage to live between four walls makes me think that I could have succeeded too. Fortunately for me, the fact that I have spent this period of time in isolation together with my family has helped me live it as an absolutely normal period, maybe even a more relaxing one than the usual ones. Suddenly, we have better organized our departures, shopping, and what I used to call as pampering in the city I has proved to be our "super" pampering at home. We somehow felt that time has expanded, and by limiting our movements outside, we have limited activities which may have not always been necessary gaining this way more time for ourselves. This gained time helped me get carried away by the wind and do activities that, perhaps, I might not have done or pay attention to. These activities, be they with my family or not, have brought me joy, relaxation and have "recharged my batteries".

Ironically, the fact that we had to stay indoors helped me to better focus on my diploma project, so I got rid of the "worry" of going out in the city.

For me, isolation was not a bad thing as it allowed me to reserve a time for relaxation that I would have certainly used in a another way.

2.2.d-I.P., manager

I wonder what does stress mean and why do I not think of it as its name is suggesting. On the one side, I think we are more productive under stress. This obviously happens when we have something to create and our innovation solves some other people’s problem. The majority of impressive works were created by drunkards, depressed people, and the thought of suicide has saved the world many times. So even theoretically, stress is not a bad thing. The bad thing is to have nothing to do, to get bored and look in vain for your meaning in life, because that search makes you feel somehow useful to yourself, while you are not useful for the society. But let us analyze a little bit the daily stress during the health crisis. First of all, you wonder how long the isolation from the rest of the world could last. If the inside answer is "little" then the stress is relatively low, but it can become huge if the duration is very different from what you have thought of. If the answer is "a lot" then you have to "deal with" it for a longer period of time which could load you with even more stress during a short period of time. There is also another variant if we take into consideration that the duration can be "forever", and then, we are faced with an exercise that is telling us what we are really made off. My answer is “little”. And this is because, from one point of view, I am not afraid of the virus, and from the other one, I do not think the society can resist behind closed indoors for a long time. I think we can isolate the old people who would want to be isolated until a vaccine or an effective treatment is discovered, but we have to get out of isolation pretty soon in order to preserve what has been left of the balance between social welfare and health safety. I divide stress in at least two categories: conjugal stress, the one we are measuring according to family well-being and professional stress, the one referring to one’s job, and to the way each of us makes him/herself useful to the society. All those put together are setting up the general stress, which we are feeling while we do not care where does it come from and where does it go. I think that conjugal stress depends on the way we have built up our relationship, and on the amount of truth or lies laid at its foundation. So, the crisis is the catalyst that makes things face us and makes us, willingly or unwillingly, accept the kind of foundation we had built up right from the beginning. Being at my third marriage, and learning important lessons from my first two ones, I am treating the current one quite simply, even if, sometimes, the reactions that have deceived my expectations are terribly annoying. But I quickly calm down. I consider that staying indoors 24 out of 24 hours is a test that everyone should go through at some point. One of my friends told me that every young people should stay together non-stop for a month before getting married. But then, I am afraid no one would marry anymore. Professional stress depends very much on the stage in which the crisis has caught you and on the way in which your job suits or does not suit isolation. Fortunately, what I use to do is perfectly suitable for teleworking and the crisis has helped us transform the physical process into a digital one.

Video calling helps us see each other and notice some of the emotional problems of our partners. Otherwise, profession, apart from its aim of doing good things for society, is also meant to wheel ahead your social position in order to create a work-life balance, at least on the idealistic level. I can say that any kind of calls coming from the ones I am dealing with keep me on a satisfactory level in terms of stress. I do not want to think about what could have happened if the crisis got me three or four years ago, when I did not have much work to do. So I am trying to replace stress with a creative effort and I try to be happy whenever those around me are happy. It seems that my personal experience makes me live by the instrumentality of those whom I appreciate. Likewise, I always try to evaluate the way life goes on for those around me, I mean my family. Here is another important matter, my grandparents, whom I am missing and I care for, even if they can take care of themselves.

2.2.e-N.H., entrepreneur

I am convinced that during this period of isolation, each of us is facing a variety of moods and feelings, and this seems wonderful to me. Because now, more than ever, we can resort to introspection, looking deep inside for resources and we discover ourselves in another way. At the beginning of the isolation period, it was harder for me; I went through conditions of restlessness, agitation, anxiety, sadness, sometimes even anger. I perceived everything very sharply. On a beautiful day in March, I had to close my coffee shop, the place where I loved to be, to make coffee, share smiles and be around people. I had to contain everything that was happening. After about one week of turmoil, frustration and worries, I have chosen to relate to this experience in a constructive way and, if I still have to live it let me make it an authentic experience and take the best of it. It is a great joy to spend all my time together with my family and my little boy. We are having calm dialogues, without haste, without watching the clock, without thinking about what to wear, what event to attend, and what else should we to do tomorrow. Now we are reading and drawing as much as we want, we play, we invent things, we do theatrical plays, we cook together, and we talk about the universe, about life, about what we can do for our planet, and about anything else. We are together, day by day. Although time passes, I have the feeling that it has stopped. And, if the daily fuss has anyhow stopped a little, I have the opportunity to look deeper, to think more profoundly, to see what I could change in me, to realize what exactly do I miss from what used to be a "normal life", and how would the world look after it. I have time to think about how fragile we really are and how much is a little. How valuable is our health, which we sometimes take for granted, how important is freedom, and how much it means to have a place of your own named home. But, I think, the most important thing is to bear freedom in your mind. No matter how isolated you are, if your mind is free, then I think you can feel joy, you can feel as being present and creative, you can rejoice with every moment of your life and find solutions. And this mental freedom has to be built up, it only depends on you. However, I am human and moods come along and this is normal. There are also moments of worry, anxiety, and sadness. I do some physical exercises such as stretching or yoga for an hour or just listen to music or read something I like and that helps me feel better. Almost every day, I choose an interval of 15 to 20 minutes during which I listen to music, close my eyes and imagine myself hugging my friends, making coffee for my dear customers and exchanging smiles and energy. I really feel them and I connect with all those people in my thoughts and that gives me a very good feeling of being close to them. I think that any change means evolution. But it hurts me thinking that this change comes at a high price. So many people are losing their lives, others would probably lose their jobs, and each of us will also feel pain during all this experience. I accept all my moods and yes, I want to have this feeling of pain, too.

2.2.f-G.L., architect

I was never afraid of death. But, the true fact is that, even now, I am still afraid of pain, but not of death. I am not sure that I am not afraid of death because on the other side, there are people whom I am missing with every cell of my body or because, ever since I have known myself, I had a curiosity for mystical phenomena and unseen things which has been brought to paroxysm. Or perhaps, it is so because of my certain belief that God is love and that after you die you will meet Him. He is the supreme Love and I don't know why this is like that, but anyway, I do not want to talk about the things I am not afraid of. I want to talk about the things that sometimes are putting such hard pressure on me that I hardly breathe, or about the ones that keep me awake long after 3 o'clock in the night as that is how I try to tame them. Putting them under the magnifying glass, I conclude a much desired peace with them and find my courage to fall asleep late at night.

I am afraid of the moments preceding death. I have read somewhere that, before dying, you review, as in a dream, everything you have done on Earth. You see friends from late childhoods, lost loves and hot summer days. In two minutes you review and feel everything. Although it is not clear enough to me how brave could I be when it comes to my transition to the absolute, I know for sure where the fear that is haunting me while I am thinking about those two minutes comes from and what does it want from me.

When I was younger, someone, I do not know who told me this: live with your eyes wide open, because all you need is a blink of an eye and your years will go away. At the time, I did not really understand what did it really mean, but twenty years and two blinks of an eye later; I was awoken, like from a dream, in the middle of the pandemic. I am sitting on the bed in the house where I grew up and look around at the objects in the little bedroom; there are objects that once, not too long ago, were the guardians of my ludic universe. Silent, expressive, and warm, they are looking back in wonder, as if they are begging me not to study them anymore. They have not changed at all. Perhaps, I may have grown up a little bit too fast. I wanted to make sure that, by the end of my life, I shall look back with satisfaction like an infatuated stage director at the summary of my life. And this is why I have been tirelessly running during the last years. I wanted so ferociously not to miss anything, to taste everything, and to feel and see everything with my too thirsty soul and with my eyes wide open. Now I am sitting on a rather shabby bed and see some dumb objects looking at me with sarcasm. Basically, I am an architect and every day, I am designing interiors in which people live during various moments of their lives. I play with light and shadows and create space with the help of those objects. I am always thinking of them. Full, fragile, subtle or intrusive, the objects are in their essence part of my daily study. I hope you do not think I am crazy and please do not laugh when I say that those objects are, in their essential structure, part of my daily study. I think I have, next to me, some objects, which are so expressive that I sometimes wonder if they have not eventually watched the Beauty and the Beast during my absence. From there, they must have learned something about mimicry and gestures – poor them, they might be tired of listening to me for hours and hours a day without being able to give me even a wry glance from time to time and there is nothing I can do for them; we are going through a pandemic here and somebody has to listen to me.

But let us leave them aside. It is the 4th of May, and two months ago, when all had started I was extremely tired. As I said, I was running a lot lately. I wanted to do everything as fast and as well as possible, ready to sleep only for two hours during three nights and those at my office, if that meant finishing the current project faster and being able to move on to the next challenge. And it was not just the work that was filling my days. For example, if after three sleepless nights I received an invitation to a bar in the heart of the city, I would have no intention to decline it. How could I go to sleep? Years are running away and, a long time ago, somebody had told me that if I did not pay attention, if I closed my eyes just for one single moment, I would lose everything together with the most beautiful moments in life. I knew that it would be better for me to slow down a little bit, breathe more deeply, sleep more, and think more calmly. So many piles of thoughts and great plans were little by little, but surely and precisely, chopping off my rest and the serenity of my mind.

When the pandemic came, I grabbed a few things and went to the place where I grew up, to my mother and father. I relaxed like after a great marathon. The earth has stopped and I stopped along with it. I also allowed myself, like everyone else in the world, to take a break from the words you “must, must, must…”. It seemed like a moment that had jumped off the timeline, a moment that no one was counting. I felt like the clock had stopped, that I was not losing anything, anymore, because time was not running with me any longer bringing me, inside its carrier bag, closer and closer to the end. After about two days, when my crib seemed like a warm and protective marsupial pouch for me, I have slowly resumed my rhythm. A slower, simpler rhythm, with some more afternoons during which I was breathing the blossom of the apple trees and watching the ants hurrying up on their way to the anthill. In the morning, I was working on my laptop, and in the evening I was digging in the little backyard garden playing with my hands in the dirt, and smashing lumps of earth with which I was covering the golden baby onions for seedlings. When my mind rested and my soul calmed down, I once again started hearing the deafening fear which had been kept silent inside my chest, and I was frightened. I was scared of my fear, but this time I did not run away. Honestly, I may have wished to run away, but how could I have fled, and where to go when everything around me was telling me to stay home? This fear is familiar to me. I have been holding it in my chest all along and it is hard for me to believe that I was the only chosen one. I am going to tell you. It is the fear that I am not doing enough, that I am not enough, and that if I do not always run like a tireless little ant, it is almost sure that I will fail. It is the old voice that had once told me that life is short and that I risk regretting it, asking me to do everything to make sure I am living it all. It is the voice I hoped to keep hushed as I did as much as ten others during one day, fear of which I thought I should flee away like hell. But I never ran away. I was grateful for getting a kick forward when perhaps I needed a spur and I promised not to disappoint that fear. I took it by the hand and turned it into a friend. It is certain that I want to do great things, that I want to fully live my life, and that I am dreaming at living a special kind of life, but I want to do it joyfully, not with fear of failure. I want to love every leaf and every breeze I feel on my face and eyelashes, to listen to frogs and crickets and wash my hair with the light of the milky moon. I want to live now, because no one is counting each and every moment. Now, I am able to have a break without feeling I am doing something wrong and watch as much as I want to all those clouds as they are dissipating and to all the fog slipping in streams from my eyes and my brain. Now, I have understood that both the time and its flow are relative and that I lose too much if I run too fast. The present is all I have, but it is not entirely mine, the way I am now. And in case I am unable to wash the dirty lenses through which I perceive the present which never stops changing second by second. I felt like having some jar bottoms pulled over my face that had been smeared during every single year of my life with even more words, estranged ideals, and fears, which, had on the way become my own managing to often keep me away from genuinely living the moment.

Epilogue

Today has become tomorrow. I hear on the news that we will soon be able to come back to what was before. I switch off the TV and wonder if I want to be again as I was before and if I could be what I used to be. I do not know. So many things can change in two weeks that I can not foresee how it will be by that time. I just know how it is now. My cat with its huge yellow eyes is prowling around me under the table. The room has suddenly lit up, the sun had probably been hidden behind a playful cloud and I hear my sister Lavi, who is already making coffee in the kitchen. It is a new day and that is enough for me.

2.2.g-B., psychologist

There are five of us in the house, two adults, two children and a puppy. Five entities set to discover life together, only together, within the house.

This is how our first week of the pandemic has started when all kinds of agitation were still on the rise, and the thought that we should be in social withdrawal for a month or two seemed feasible, without too many side effects. Then, slowly, slowly, the reality has shown up for all the five of us and the biggest challenge has summed up to understanding what do we have to do. During the first weeks, the main concern for my husband was the supplies. Otherwise, the care for us and for our parents was being measured by the number of supplies. And it also meant something else; namely, I think, a kind of security. For me, safety, during the first weeks of isolation, has translated into obsessive-compulsive actions to disinfect and clean, and protect myself and us against any contact, no matter how small, with the outside. Every trip made by my husband in order to hunt (meaning to "buy") food and other necessary stuff, has implied a huge stomach ache for me, and many prayers in my mind. I felt like he was going to fight. A fight with an invisible enemy.

My fear was directly proportional to my need to control the others and to control myself. Apart from my daily cleaning and disinfecting tasks, I got the good habit of calling my dear ones whom I knew were in emotionally vulnerable conditions. I had no idea, that, in fact, it was all about my need to control. To my surprise, after the first days without kindergarten and school, the children wanted to resume their activities. Xenia was asking me why there were no people in the street, especially in the evening, and why everything was looking so deserted. Then they had shivers of fear for various reasons, even as we went to bed, in spite of the fact that they were sleeping in the same bed with me. In fact, the thrill belonged to Luke and it sometimes was spreading to Xenia, too.

I kept thinking about where and how this baby fear had grown up inside their souls, particularly because I had eliminated any external source capable of spreading panic (TV, radio). Instead, inside myself (mostly) and my husband’s (less), anxiety was present and we were trying, more or less consciously, to see what the hell was all about. Anyway it was, I was returning to the global perspective of the situation. Namely, how almost everybody is forcefully undergoing an exercise of inner growth, a very hard one and of an increased intensity. I felt that one world was dying, so that we can detach ourselves of it, using the exercise of social separation and confrontation with all sorts of loneliness, like strings coming out of our inner and out world. I felt like I was somehow stripped of everything that had masked, covered, and had created some kind of space between what was strongly authentic in my life and what used to act as a mechanism of protection before, diluting my approach to whom was I and what was really important in my life. In other words, I started to stop running away from myself because almost any external shelter seemed irrelevant to me. A world was dying, and along with it, something inside me was dying, too. I, as well as anyone else in my life, felt as nothing and nobody could bethe same again.

Insecurity, diseases, death, loss, suffering, all those swampy realms that we were hiding inside us and which we were striving hard not to face, pretending we did not know what was all about, had become a very stressful part of our daily life.

Starting with this perspective, I could call the coming weeks "Either to the ball, or to the hospital."

Then, by the end of the second week of isolation, or maybe even the third, I had a dream which was driving me into hard thinking. It was as if I were getting on a RATB (Bucharest Transport Corporation) bus and we were about five or six passengers inside. Spirits were highly relaxed and, as a result, we were chattering to one other, and we were even laughing. All was good and beautiful until I got off the bus, the doors closed, and, being alone on the sidewalk I stated panicking because I realized I was not wearing a mask while staying in a closed area, together with other people who were not wearing masks, too. It was a real panic attack while I was dreaming which had been caused by the perspective of contamination. I realized that my psyche was trying to tell me something. Probably, my anxiety was on a much higher level than I had consciously perceived it. Then I had the light-up flash that it was high time for me to start "befriending" with the outside world namely, to learn to risk in a controlled manner.

I forced myself to go out for a while, during the hours when the chance of meeting other people was very small. And here, I must admit that I was very much inspired by the fact that Teo, my husband, had managed to overcome the mental barrier of going out, being forced to take care of our parents' shopping.

The second step was to take the children out for five to ten minutes. We were at the beginning of the fourth week of isolation. To my surprise, the children did not want to leave the house at all. They were explaining me how many things they had to do, and how much fun they were having inside. Something was not adding up. And naturally, it was all about the fear, and not the fun inside the house.

So, my husband and me pledged to persuade the children to go out little by little and make them regain their confidence that they could also be safe outside. It seemed to me like a vital lesson for them. A barrier that could be crossed by them and to which they would return over the years remembering that they could overcome obstacles, as they had done before.

The outside world was not looking the same for them either. The park was closed; meetings with friends were taking place online, and they had just me, my husband, and the puppy as play partners. And naturally, it was happening as much as we could let us be caught by the idea of playing. Then, any meeting with any other person required distance and caution, just as much as any stepping out required a ritual upon departure, and especially a very rigorous one upon entering the house. Going out on the street, even for the shortest periods of time, meant, an obligation of wearing a mask and it is still required.Additionally, my mother and father were not supposed to forget to take their self-statements and identity cards.

But, nevertheless, going out, even within those totally different circumstances, meant a glimpse of freedom and joy for them. And slowly, slowly, they began rediscovering that it was even possible that way. And not only that it was possible, but it was also fun.

Then, an unexpected thing happened. Xenia took the decision that she wanted to start sleeping alone in their room. Obviously, Luke realized that he wanted the same, too. And so, they started becoming strong and confident in their ability to overcome other fears, too.

Currently, going out is no longer a fear, and the decontamination ritual has become one of their natural habits.

Even more, they were asking us to let them ride their bikes alone round the block of flats. And that is how they managed to gain another piece of confidence. Naturally, I agreed because, at the time, there were not many cars driving on the little street where we live. And going outside was happening within a very small perimeter. But, it was happening.

What are they were enormously missing though and for which we have no solution is to give great hugs to their grandmother or to hold her hand. They saw their grandparents only once and all the dialogue happened from a great distance.

They understood that you could still have the joy of having the person you love in front of you, even if the interaction happens from a distance, but that is no little thing. Maybe "they have understood" it was not the most correct attitude, but they were beginning to appreciate the face-to-face presence of those they loved and the joy of seeing their grandparents, even if from some physical distance, as a compensation for their longing for a beloved one, or as an attempt of making more bearable the concrete, palpable impossibility of tenderness and caressing.

After all, joy comes from little things, even very little but authentic ones. You need to know how to catch the joy, as we used to do during our childhood, when we were catching a fluff, put it on our chests, and made a wish. When we were ready, we could catch it. And that meant a possible fulfilled wish. The same happens now. It is just that the desire is being translated in the beginning of a new world.

2.2.h- C.V., teacher

Stress and the pandemic

"By letting your reflexes doze, you awaken your reflections. You just think when life stops" (Emil Cioran). When I got this challenge, the challenge of writing, my first thought was to ask for more clarifications: linguistic explanations and more precisely clarifications on the perspective of this "stress ". What is it more precisely? Is it a kind of pandemic virus, too? How to define it?, Should we perhaps see it like a simple state of discomfort or great uneasiness? Does it imply anxiety, suffering, disorientation and fear? Does it confine the self, provoke revolt and end in capitulation and resignation? Probably, a little bit or even more of each. I have associated this period of time and the implicit feelings generated by it with that fear of unknown which can be felt by those in a close- death experience, the incapacity of fully comprehending it and, implicitly, the acceptance of "cohabitating" with it. How did I manage this reorganization of the world? More precisely, I let myself be carried away by the instinct because I do not think there is a successful formula. I went on an intense path, not a long one, but a hard one and I experienced all its three zones. And they have all elevated me, educated me, taught me and guided me. The first was the fear zone – fortunately it was the shortest stage: fear of the unknown and fear of the uncontrollable reactions of the terrified mobs which could create real chaos. When people act uncontrollably, driven not by reason, because it is being darkened by terror, then tragedies follow. For "I am more terrified by the fall than by the blow." (Montaigne). I was released when I regained my lucidity, surprised that I have quickly came back to my senses and got rid of the burden of pressure, And here I am now, released from the burden of media pressuring and manipulation. I realized that my soul was poisoned, sick, and darkened with each new statistics. The census is now being written in terms of infected people, while the shrill sound of the ambulances shown on the background scenery and the media images mounted with rescuers carrying the “izoleta” – those safety isolation stretchers – are not paradoxically make you think of being rescued, although the ones carrying them are the rescuers, but you would rather associate them with some sinister messengers of death. Because in order to “dominate someone, you should make that one be afraid." (P. Coelho). And after three or four days, while putting the mask over my mouth, I took the veil covering my eyes off and I freed myself. "It is not true that the contemporary man is being driven by interests. He is driven by fear and internal hallucinations. Fear is a primordial condition and I could say it is the engine driving 999 people out of a thousand." (P. Pandrea). Only then I began looking inside me and asked myself "why are you afraid? Is it because you may get sick?" Well, no, I was not afraid of the virus, I was not afraid of my eventual contamination, but I was worried about the possibility of infecting someone else. What troubled me the most were the traces of the baddie’s footsteps, and the reorganization of the world that it would certainly provoke. Was I ready for what was going to follows? How was my world going to look like? Will I accept it? Am I ready for isolation and for loneliness? Certainly not! Will I accept all these? I do not think so. And if my spirit was shaken, if my feelings were weakened, to which doctor should I go? Only to the doctor of our souls, only to God. "Faith gives us joy because it suddenly makes us be in agreement with what is real." (Steinhardt). And so I was healed of despair. Because I within my first zone, I was suffering of despair. And for a moment I forgot that I was not in control, I was not giving up my ego and I was suffering from falling from Paradise. And implicitly, I was suffering of despair. Now, we have come to the second zone, the learning area. I have learned to think about everyone and everything. For "man learns to write, sing, speak nicely, gets emotional, but he never learns to think." (A. of S-Exupery). I have learned to cleanse: my thoughts, my feelings, my food, and my house and I am still trying to do the same with my life, my restlessness, worries, and my unreality. For "woe to him who let himself be carried by the whim of the thoughts. His spirit becomes a wasps’ nest in which the most diverse and absurd ideas hum." (G. Dauli). And now I I know it because I have just learned it.

The news have resumed to their natural function that of simply informing me. I am regularly accessing it – once or twice a day – just to be informed trying somehow to be the one who takes control. Otherwise, I have chosen to learn to relax by doing something I like, but for which I could also have patience. And I started doing sports inside my home. And it was very good for me. Then I looked for movies – and relaxed. And, I was dancing like that through the day cleaning, getting tired from sports or travelling with movies but also getting worried by the news. What have I done? I have stopped, I have chosen serenity and I have given up anxiety. I turned off the TV and opened up my heart, my soul and my spirit. I have just learned to clean up – I was analyzing, noticing and decided to forget the bad and manipulative news. What was their purpose? Was it to keep me informed? Did they inform me? Not really. They were disturbing me – numbers, gloomy faces, shrill sounds always repetitive and ultimately boring. And I stopped them altogether after a few days, or maybe for almost one week. Then I was able to breath, because I have already became a more educated human being! And now, here I am in the development zone. Now here, everything is all right. I have even learned some new cake recipes. And I have practiced them every two or three days. And I was very much delighted. I have regained my composure and relaxation. I have moved my spirit online and started participating in the Holy Mass just like that and I enjoyed it. I felt that, once again, I was getting strength, patience, hope and humbleness from there. Then “deniile” – the Vigil services came. And what a miracle they are. The messages from my spiritual parents of soul, their attitude of total abandonment in the hands of the Lord and of exhortation for humbleness and not for revolt brought me complete serenity and confidence that it will all be right in the end. I enjoy the serenity of the nights and the leisure of the mornings during which I, am looking out through the window to nature together with my cat, while am savouring my coffee and taking a deeeeeeeep breath of air into my lungs. I am breathing, rejoicing it and I am living. I enjoy the magnolia in front of the window and watch its evolution. I often watch how it is opening its petals, I admire and relish it, I enjoy the happy songs or quarrels of the birds that have found shelter among its branches, I watch how the lilac in the garden is bursting in blossom, I count the chestnut leaves and the candle flowers it supports (this is how its inflorescence looks like, like candles), I greet the flowers on the balcony and the kittens in the garden, and I take part in all the miracles of life. I am grateful that I exist and am healthy, that my family is well, that I have a good shelter, a comfortable one and that I do not lack love, and I feel so well. I am now enjoying this holiday, I pamper myself, I eat, play, sing, laugh, dance, talk, watch Asia Express, and take it all over again. "The roots of learning are bitter" (the zone of fear), "but its fruits are sweet" (the zone of development) said Aristotle. And this is how it is!

2.2.i-M., student

Life during the 2020 pandemic

The first day of January 2020 brought me a feeling of confidence for the year I was just stepping into, namely, I felt that 2020 will be a different year, a year with a lot of good opportunities for me. I had no idea on how could this be materialized because I hardly dared dream of. To succeed, I have to adjust myself to the society in which we live as soon as possible. The first months have already passed without even feeling them, with many projects to be fulfilled for the faculty studies, with resolute decisions regarding the topic of my Bachelor's diploma paper, which I am afraid of, but also with some new decisions: I have realised that I had less and less time for my involvement in the theatrical troupe "Bacteria H" in which I have been gladly activating for a year and a half, and also the fact that the summer of 2020 will be the one in which I shall reap off the fruits of my efforts as a student in Brașov, the city dear to my heart. Big plans, are they not? However, in recent years, I have become accustomed to the idea that the future may surprise us, in a more or less pleasant way.

And here came the month of March. After the first days during which we have enjoyed honouring women and mothers and their presence in our lives, the misfortune of the new Corona virus came to Romania, too. It has scared, confused and frustrated all of us, both the children and adults. The way we were better able to feel this, each one in his/her own way, we have noticed the common aspects which were bothering us these days with so many restrictions: namely the fact that this situation seems to be coming from nowhere not letting us understand why and how has it happen, the fact that the restrictions are preventing us from enjoying the freedom we were used to have, that some of us are now having more free time and they do not know how to use it and feel satisfied and all those things which I am not going to detail here about the darkest side of the society where living from one day to another has became a more unstable possibility than it already had been.

What scared me the most, and I am sure many others, too, were all those meaningless pieces of information with negative impact released during the first phase, meaningless at the moment we were hearing ill-grounded rumours spread all around as official or verified news, which were hurling even more panic into my mind.

I considered it rational not to give too much trust to every rumour and to look for the official sources and to comply with them while I have been noticing the efforts paid by the authorities to protect us through those measures. Many days were coming full of changes and of the unknown. And, I had to fight more with was what was going on in my mind than with the enormous impact of society’s catastrophe. Those days had been planned; full of projects, but also of walks through the city or even through other cities in order to change the scenery and to see my beloved people again as well as of many other entertainments that could delight my soul and mind.

Initially, I thought that all this madness would calm down in a maximum of a few weeks, but the fact that I had so little information and knew so few aspects, made me feel that things were not like that and that I would have to give up the idea of ​​clinging to any plan, and to accept whatever is happening, to wait somehow more relaxed for the evolution of the situation and be ready for every step I would have to take. I did not have too much time to think, given the fact that I had changed the place where I used to spend my days, from the student’s hostel, where we were almost disconnected from reality because certain more important news were not on Internet. I had taken with me just the bare necessities to the house where I had to move, and where I no longer had so many worries (because the burden is still being carried by my parents) who had the habit of staying connected to information all the time, following the news that which were not good.

This physical and mental turmoil did not last more than a few more days when I noticed a change in the attitude of the teachers, and particularly in the educational system regarding the "home school". More than seven years ago, while in high school, I was writing those imaginative compositions about "school 50 years after". I imagined a situation in which technology would make it easier for many of those day’s efforts, and would generate much greater access for us to information than we had already acquired. But who could have believed that those times would come at such speed? No one! I am however glad, that we are somehow managing to adjust to the situation, pretty cumbersomely and with many differences of opinion, but however, it is a pretty good step, better than none at all in a situation where there is chaos enough anyway.

I started to see the willingness of some teachers to use these platforms, some being already familiar with this idea, others still showing some anxiety about technology while being pressured by governmental decisions taken within the current context. The hard side came when a lot of homework started coming in, as for just about every course, had been previously met with the requirement of being physically present at the college. It is stressful even for a student who is already accustomed to organizing his / her own subjects to be responsible for being able to accumulate the required information for the exams. During this year, when I am feeling terrified by the work for my license examination, I honestly feel that the mental effort and resources that I am using for the many projects, and also for the bonuses to be granted for doing my homework that should attest my participation in the video classes, is too much. And all this is happening because those are the only resources that the university can make available, which are not enough for an approach which could at least have maintained the pace we were used to and it makes it a rather difficult for the students. As usual, in the end, the difficulty and the expectations fall on the backs of those who have to practically carry out the tasks, as in my case as a student, as well as in the case of others, those who work in the health system, in the services for the food market or transportation. There is a major risk everywhere, but for each one it has a different impact. I could go on with the little frustrations which are getting worse from day to day, but there is enough trouble in this world already and very few good things to be seen.

I was looking for the good side of the situation in order not to give in to those overwhelming aspects of it and to frustrations. This good side is not too big at a first glance, but it is useful, because without good there could be no evil and vice versa. With so many topics, I did not have much time to think about the impossible scenarios that could exist, nor to have false hopes for my initial plans during these difficult months. I found support in those close to me, I found guidance in the others’ stories, I began listening more and talking less than I used to, and I really am a talkative person. I felt the need to focus on myself, on what was going on in my mind and its effect on my activities. It is very difficult for me to go through this process, especially because my habits are connecting me to the past, to situations from which I, personally, have nothing to gain, but just my vanity and pride will probably be feed.

This way, I have understood that the change that year 2020 has in store for me is of a psychic, emotional and spiritual nature. I found support among close friends, and although I know or have heard very many aspects which I have stored in my memory, it is very difficult for me to accept them, to start applying them in order to evolve mentally and spiritually, because I need to hear them more often or, from more people, and to think more about them in order to be able to accept them. Why is it so hard? I am very sure that it is not happening to me only; it is about the difficulty of changing a point of view, of giving up vanity and pride for both the social-external good and the personal-internal one. I started paying more attention to my mind, because it has everything I need to evolve, but it can also lead me to destruction, if I would adopt habits which could be harmful for me. I have been thinking for a long time now that it is good to "take care of myself first, so I can then take care of those around me, too," hence the need and natural process of looking at both my social interactions as well as at my feelings and thoughts in a more profound and analytical way than I used to do.

I have noticed and realized that it is very difficult for me to do good deeds and work on my evolution. I understood, being helped by people and by the current situation, that discipline is useful, especially inside my mind, where there is a real chaos, where I think too much at an idea due to my lack of mental training and that I cannot focus on the energy and the power to live. Also, I am not able to emanate energy even for the less energy requiring gestures. I have a strong, effervescent and dynamic character, and the fact that I preferred to stay at home consuming this energy only on a mental level, does not help me much. My mind also needs to put thoughts in order, just as much as my body needs to put order and consistency in my physical activities, and this is a challenge for me.

I understood that the strength to overcome any difficulty and the power to adjust myself to any situation comes from inside; from the way I see everything with my mind. And this is possible only when I start looking inside myself and re- discover my qualities, which I then I start to deal with, granting them value and helping myself with them. It is still hard for me to realize how amazing my mind is, but I realize how much it can help me, especially when I start analyzing moments of my life which were most often just a struggle for my soul and for my mind. Now I have all the time in the world to understand what I have to learn from those life lessons, if I have not done it so far. I have more time to spend with myself, with my mind, even though I often feel a lack of intimacy. But the power is still in my mind, here I can also find the intimacy I need, and I can develop and analyze my experiences and feelings without anyone else knowing, criticizing or destroying them.

If I cannot find freedom outside in the environment in which I live, I can find it in my mind. I still have a lot of work to do with my mind in order to be able to find peace and balance in my soul, but inside me, there is a strong feeling that I have taken the first step on the right road.

I also understood that the pace of the society we live in is so fast that it does not leave me time enough to have my inner peace, except when I make great sacrifices and efforts, and probably not even then. And all this haste makes me feel nothing else but the fact that time is passing and I am growing old without being able to enjoy the present moment. I have understood that the current process is based on very simple facts which can bring peace and serenity to mind and soul, yet, the simpler they are the more they are being buried and hidden in between the society’s norms. These few principles tell us to learn what we should learn from the past, to detach ourselves from it in a manner which could allow us to adjust to the present, to live the present moment as best we can with the body, soul and mind, and not to worry about the future as ling as we keep in our souls and minds a hope that everything is going to be all right. And I, like any other spiritual human being, find it hard to apply these principles, and this should not necessarily be someone's fault. The fault is shared; by the social environment in which we have shaped up, because so little good can it offer to us, and because people choose to denigrate the good side of themselves for a momentary illusory pleasure. Parents offer us so much and, since we do not have our minds trained to help /to do good but rather eager to fight for our own pleasures even at the cost of hurting and disappointing people. It is difficult for me to look inside myself because I live in a society that offers a lot of information, but a lot of it is negative and focuses on what is outside (outside being either the environment in which we look for our pleasure, or even the soul’s “wrapping“, namely the body), but also because of the obstacles set forth on our way by our very nature as human beings (people who need interaction from the outside, because they are social beings, and people who hurt, disappoint, and judge everything rather in terms of personal pleasure than for a good common purpose).

There is so much information around me that I feel that the simple aspects of finding inner peace is being stifled by too much nonsense in what is being communicated to us. For certain reasons, we have come to communicate without knowing anymore how to connect spiritually; we neglect our minds and souls by favouring illusions. I understood, many years ago, that I can find peace in the truth that is waiting to be discovered, in the good that I can do, even if this seems something insignificant to me right now, but it will certainly make more sense to me someday later.

Reflecting during these difficult days, I have realized that I do not always remember what I had learned from certain lessons, and that I am sometime acting giving in to habits that cannot help me adapt when life puts me to the test. That is why, from time to time, I still need my dear people close to me to protect me and remind me if I may forget something. But it would worth keeping hopes inside the soul and order in the mind as much as possible. With my mind’s help, I can become aware of what I am capable of, how am I feeling in different situations, when am I wrong and why am I wrong, how can I fix a mistake and how can I evolve. And those would be just a few interesting things that I have started understanding, the ones I need and I should keep.

As for the soul, there are always wounds and there will always be, but, as far as I am concerned, what I have felt is that some wounds hurt more when they come in association with others, even if rationally, there should be no connection among them. I have understood that I am not the only one who suffers, but that my wounds are unique, as much as I have my way of feeling and thinking, I have understood that, in my case, the passage of time and my mental self-defence mechanisms manages to alleviate the pain from the wounds, but it can never solve them. But, I can also have the solution, and it comes from my ability to accept the circumstances in which those wounds have been created and the fact that all people (even me) are, by their own nature, disappointing and hurting others. As for the expectations from everything around us, which is also in the nature of the human beings, I have noticed that I can hurt myself with the expectations I can raise and projection upon myself and upon others.

Thus, this period of social separation has brought to my attention the need to understand a little better the inner plan of my mind, which is endless, a miracle similar to the universe in greatness and power. I will always have something new to learn about myself as long as I am still alive and live with a purpose. My spiritual, mental and emotional evolution (towards which we are less and less striving for), the care for my soul, mind, body the effort to preserve their functioning balance can make my life be the most beautiful personal journey towards the goals I live for and seek to fulfil, sneaking through the norms of society from which I take what the best I could. This way, I will be able to take care of myself, so that later I can take care of those around me.

2.2.j-A.D., entrepreneur

The days off came unexpectedly and, after the total disorder that had been created in my mind and soul I decided to put some order there. So, I decided that for the days off "granted” to me I should set some tiny goals. I have started crocheting. My mother has started making a blanket, which I continued by stetting my goal to make at least three crocheting row a day. During the days when I do not feel like crocheting or it is a holiday, I have to make up for during the following day. A row takes about 15 minutes to make. It's a test of patience and it helps me clear up my mind, because I need a lot of attention and it makes me creative since the little blanket is beautifully coloured. I try to start my mornings with some movement and it comes out well at about 80% of the time. I place my 20 or 40 minutes of exercising on YouTube, I leave my feet bare, because I really like the feeling of having my feet bare and I unleash myself.

Some mornings I choose Pilates or Yoga, or cardio, depending on my mood. Any variant gives me a feeling of well-being, I feel physically more relaxed and lighter, and I am mentally satisfied that I have overcome myself. If I do not feel like doing it I would like to lean on my little mattress and play a video. The good mood comes to me quickly but gradually because I do not pay much attention to my lack of mood. When I have more stressful conditions, when I feel my thoughts flying to unconstructive things, I try to shift my mind away by doing an activity which, perhaps, I might not feel like doing at all. But I get up from where I am and: maybe I put some clothes in the washing machine or take a lukewarm shower and get dressed or put on a cheerful T-shirt in a bright colour, which can refresh me when I look at it. I have days or moments, when I invite my partner for discussion and share the moods or thoughts which I understand or do not. He will say he understands me and, with some kind of rare empathy, asks me constructive questions in order to help me unravel more of the murky waters I am finding myself in. During the day, we build beautiful moments together: we cook together, we sit on the terrace in the sun and read, we hug one other whenever we feel like , show gratitude to each other, eat popcorn made in the pot and wonder at what else can we read in the press. We are lucky to live close to the forest and we walk about four or seven kilometres everyday day. We admire the forest, its greenery and the chirping birds and, from time to time, we hug one tree, imagining how strong and deeply spread underground the roots which are feeding it are. During this period of time I have discovered the breathing exercises. They generally calm me down, and in addition, I have also paid attention to several ways of breathing. One of them, for example, is to inhale slowly filling my lungs with a lot of air and then, also slowly, to exhale till I get all air out my lungs with four to eight breaths per minute. This exercise is very beneficial. You feel the agitation in your head calming down, and if you do this with your eyes closed, the moment you open the eyes, you see clearly. It seems like you are genuinely looking at an object or a context that you have known for a long time but which seems new to you now, one that you are seeing for the first time. Honestly this is miraculous. I am alternatively using my above listed concerns and I have chosen them because they give me a feeling of well-being, because I enjoy them and because I am flexible. Oh, and I have almost forgotten the most important thing. Morning coffee is a must. I enjoy my coffee while meditating on life and looking inside myself to see how I feel!

2.2.k-A. P. architect

My sanctuary – home.

How have I learned to love myself during the pandemic?

It is Tuesday morning. Or maybe it is Wednesday. I check the calendar and notice the date of April 29th, 2020, so it is Wednesday morning 9:57 AM. Another three minutes left and I have to start working. In the same room with me, Cătălin plays video games on computer, the dog is sleeping peacefully on the blankets and pillows which are making together an improvised sofa, and the parakeet makes noise in order to be left to fly freely through the house.

It's cool in the house, but I can’t let myself close the balcony door, as by far fewer horns and screams are sneaking inside because many people are compulsorily staying indoors now. I have been living in Militari neighbourhood, sector 6 of Bucharest, for a year, when Cătălin and I have decided pretty quickly (in my parents' opinion) to move in together.

Just as quickly, the dog that Cătălin enthusiastically named Bjorn appeared (after one of the characters of his favourite TV serials – the Vikings). He has grown up until a certain moment and then stopped, remaining quite small, to his disappointment. The gentleman from whom we took it had told us that he would grow up as he was the result of an adventure between a wolf dog and a Labrador, but it was looking more as if a stray dog ​​and a corgi have met.

It is gorgeous though, it looks like a blonde fox that has been both our baby and our shadow throughout the house for a year now. Cătălin's argument was that he was giving it to me as my graduation gift, and that it would also be an indispensable companion, so that I could not feel alone anymore. (I graduated last summer from the Faculty of Interior Architecture of “Ion Mincu”, of the University of Architecture and Urbanism).

At that time (how funny it sounds, but I feel that a life has passed since that time), Cătălin was working as a personal trainer with a fitness room in the centre of Bucharest, within the Eroilor area. He had a totally opposite schedule to mine. I was working at an architecture studio in the Unirii area and I was also going to college.

At the beginning, the adjustment period was longer for me due to several things (moving with my friend, my final year of college, my diploma paper and all the accompanying emotions and stress, the responsibility for a new being that is depending on me and my new job). At first, I was opposing to the change a lot. Now, looking back I have realized that I am a dual person, or that is what I think, and I like to attribute this characteristic to the zodiac sign under which I was born, namely Libra. I am not a zealot of the zodiac signs; I do not watch the horoscope. I am only playfully watching it when I am at home and my mother is watching the news. However, I strongly believe that there are some peculiarities which are binding us in groups, depending on the period in which we came into the world, and this, for me, represents the concept of zodiac signs.

I have always felt that there are two personalities inside me, two different faces of the same coin, one good and another bad, but which are incredibly complementing each other and elevating each other. And I sometimes, have the feeling that I am noticing their ongoing fight from the outside, like an onlooker.

On one point of view, I have always wanted a dog, but the moment I received it I was so way out overwhelmed with the responsibility of truly caring for a living soul, that I opposed the change and was unhappy about it. I hated the moments when I had to clean the mess left behind by the dog in the house, I hated the hole in our bed mattress gnawed by it, its hair in my food, its barking in the middle of the night near the door that used to scare me so much. I was having the impression that someone would break into the house (and this was the reason why I put yet another padlock on the door), and I hated being woken up in the morning (I have never been a morning person until now, during the pandemic).

For a period of time, I was focusing solely on the shortcomings and on the fact that I felt being a little bit sidelined while seeing how well the two of them were getting along when they were playing, and how easily had Cătălin accepted this change into his life.

Mentally I was going through a roller-coaster of emotions, experiences and feelings with everything that was happening around, but after a routine check-up in October, last year, I discovered that I had a condition called autoimmune hypothyroidism and that many of the conditions and feelings I had, along with the constant state of exhaustion and lack of concentration were largely caused by the hormonal imbalance I was going through.

While having my routine check-up, last year, I was feeling the worst so far, both physically and mentally, being extraordinarily unhappy even though I had everything. It was a torment for me, the two characters inside me were continuously fighting, one of them was feeling bad and depressed, and the other one was judging and ruthlessly arguing like an executioner with the other part of me, because she was not satisfied with the way her life was looking like.

I was telling to myself “You have everything you want, you have a young man who loves you, his parents have welcomed you to their family, you have a soul that can hardly wait for you to come home in the evening so you can play with it, you see it jump on you, you have parents who love you and who have offered you everything in their physical strength, a brother who loves you, teachers who love you, the job you wanted, you have also finished college as integral budget student and so many other things ”. I could not understand where the problem was.

The problem was that I had failed to love myself, and I was not able to realize it, not even knowing what the meaning of that was. I used to consider myself an optimistic and positive person, but lately, I had only been noticing the negative things most of the time. I was thinking that, this way, I could not possibly be such a nice company for the people around me.

The forced isolation generated by the pandemic was for me a blessing in disguise. I am aware of how weird this may sound. Extremely many lives have been lost, people have lost their jobs, and our habits and way of living have been changed overnight, without warning.

But in the midst of this chaos, I have found myself. In the midst of this chaos, the two beings inside me shook hands, reconciled and decided to try as hard as they could to learn to coexist, for better or for worse, in order to avoid destroying me.

I have always been attentive to the blessings in my life and I am praying every day and thank God for everything I have. But somehow I have never been so fully aware before. I am a human being who finds it difficult to embrace changes simply because I can no longer be in control, and not out of the fear of evolution or getting out of the comfort zone. I have always challenged myself to want more, to do more, to reach higher, but at the same time, the other half of me has been petrified at the thought of exposing myself to something unknown, about the possibility of falling into ridicule, and about the ignorance of what might follow.

That was probably why I had accepted Bjorn's presence in my life so hard. Because I felt it was restricting my freedom and I would never be able to travel as freely and easily as before, because we would have no one to care for it while we were gone. The moment I gave up opposing, I discovered that there were so many ways to include it in our travels, so many accommodations which would accept pets, trains as well, and that it was all possible. There were solutions.

The moment you give up resisting, you find solutions and that is what I have discovered. At first, I did not like the apartment we were living in at all. I was missing my bright single room in Dristor, which was all furnished with clean white furniture from Ikea, was well maintained, and where my white office was perfectly fitting in (an object dear to my heart – this being the first object bought with the money from my first salary), my hearty friend, with which I spent so many nights and days. I was missing the proximity of the IOR Park, and the greenery alongside the tram lines. Somehow, it was my favourite neighbourhood out of everything I had been experiencing in Bucharest during the four years till that moment.

Now we are living on the other side of Bucharest, on a kind of border line (if I look on the window of our living room I can see how the buildings vanish and the deposits on the Cascade Valley show up. I have accepted to live here and to continue to live here for a period of time until we could have afforded to move elsewhere, as I was thinking shortly before the quarantine had started. Now a year after we have moved into this apartment, we have seen a lot of improvements around us.

They have renewed the sidewalks, eliminated the cars parked all around,

created green spaces, took care of the trees, even a green patch has appeared around the trees in front of our main staircase, and everything is looking much better now.

I was walking the dog some days ago and I have noticed all those improvements through the filter of the morning sunlight and I felt as I was back in the Dristor neighbourhood. I returned home and I happily told Cătălin about all those and I thought that, after we would be allowed to go out, I would spend more time walking around the neighbourhood, or through the two small parks across the road. I imagine I would take a blanket with me, a bottle of water or tea or something good to drink, and a sketchbook and I would do my drawing outside during the weekends.

Another thing I am looking forward to is to go to my grandmother’s home and sit in the sun in her mountain garden that seemed like a huge realm to me when I was visiting her as a child. I want to go home and cook all my favourite sweets with my mother. She is the only one who knows how to make them and the results are great. I have also tried to make an apple pie in her company on a video call during the weekend and I felt her like being next to me. I am glad there are such facilities.

I wish to go by car with my father and all my relatives to breathe the fresh air in Brașov or to Sinaia for those cheesecakes called “papanasi”. My father is currently in Germany and it will be a while before he can came home for good. And I know all those are going to happen, I just have to be patient, something I have been working on since we are staying home.

I am proud and amazed at the calm with which I am now writing these lines. I have learned a lot during these almost two months of being with my family and myself and at home. At the beginning of the pandemic, I was happy to work from home because my daily commute to the office was stealing from me two hours a day on the road, and then, as the situation worsened, I began panicking and rejecting the change.

I had panic attacks in my sleep, I had insomnia, nightmares (I had already been having those for several years), I was afraid of our financial insecurity, I was thinking at ways by which I could do extra work in order to be able to compensate for my salary, I was afraid for my father, I was crying every day for two weeks thinking at him and at the fact that he was alone there. Actually, he was not really alone, but he did not have us there. I thought at what I would have done if I were in his situation? I was tired, sad, nervous, irritated, irritable, and depressed. During the first two weeks, I just wanted to sleep, do nothing and did not want to go out. However, with my job, as I was working for private interior design projects, I had already been spending quite a lot of time in indoors; so that my need to go out was not a problem. At least that was easy. I was arguing with Cătălin because he was talking too loud when I had to work, I cried when I found that my working hours as well as my salary would be reduced and I was afraid that we would not be able to pay our bills and the house rent and that each of us would have to return to his/her own previous home. I thought about who would take care Bjorn as long as my mother was having a hydatid cyst on her liver and she was not allowed to be around dogs, or otherwise the cyst would get activated and she should undergo surgery. I thought to my grandparents, to Catalin's parents, to everyone on this Earth who had lost someone and I cried for them. I read the story of a woman from Italy who had lost her mother and husband and I cried. I cried till I was exhausted. I tried to watch the news and, once again, I had panic attacks in my dreams. I looked at every object around me and saw them contaminated. I thought it would be physically impossible for me to disinfect everything and I tried to get rid of this paranoia. I tried to watch the news once again and I was sick.

Then slowly, slowly I began accepting it, although I was not realising it from the beginning. I started drawing, which had always been like a therapy for me. I drew on my electronic tablet, made sketches, painted in watercolours, got my hands dirty, got my desk dirty, and by painting for the first time in five years I forgot for a moment about the quarantine, the virus, and about everything. I came across the pandemic diary from “Decat o Revista” (Just a Magazine) and I was no longer afraid of watching the news. And that was when I realized I wanted to know more. About what was happening, about me, about the mind power, and about architecture. So, I started to surround myself with activities. I subscribed to the interior design newsletters from my favourite publishing houses in order to see every day the things I may be able to achieve. I cleaned up the house, my e-mail folder, the books and magazines, I rubbed the floors, the stove, and I washed more dishes than I had ever washed. We were sharing our responsibilities. Cătălin became the chef, and I was the head of the cleaning department in our house. I was reading, listening to audio books, looking at people’s paintings trying to learn from them, resumed my lessons of French, took the decision to enlist myself for a doctorate degree, to do sports, and to eat three meals a day. I have found solutions. I started reading psychology and participating in webinars about awareness.

Now, I do not only see restrictions, I see all the possibilities, and I am happy. Happy for everything I have and happy because I do not feel the need for anything else. I do not want clothes, maybe just a yoga mattress that does not slide on the floor, but I am very happy with my current one, too. Now I am waking voluntarily up at 7 o’clock in the morning, and find that I have so many things to do at home.

I no longer hear the quarrels among the two entities inside me. I hear silence. My head is no longer whirling with thoughts, fear and panic. It is quiet. In our closed circuit habitat, I am happy. Happy to feel the dog curling at my feet, and warming me up at night. Or to see its happy face, when it comes from outside. In the middle of the pandemic, Cătălin has managed to get job interviews and to give evidence for the positions. I am holding my fists tight until he gets an answer.

Our parents are healthy, we are all fine. My beloved people are fine. I know not everything is all right in the world, but I have been reborn during this period of time, and finally, I feel I am alive.

You do not really need much to be happy in life. You just have to accept the changes coming to you and not to be afraid to let yourself be carried away by them.

Annexes

2.1.b- R., student, at the end of a long oncological treatment

2.1.f-A. A., musician, she has just concluded a cancer treatment

2.2.b S.C., retired

2.2.f-G.L., architect

2.2.k-A. P. architect

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