Distrubuted at khayes54.livejournal.com and www.goodreads.com by Kathleen Hayes This is a work of fiction. Characters, places and incidents are… [619139]

Broken Kathleen Hayes

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BROKEN
By Kathleen Hayes

Broken Kathleen Hayes

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Free Short Fiction

Distrubuted at khayes54.livejournal.com and www.goodreads.com by Kathleen Hayes

This is a work of fiction. Characters, places and incidents are product‟s of the author‟s imagination or are
used fictitiously . Any resemblance to actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely
coincidental and beyond the intent of the author.

Broken © 2011 Kathleen Hayes

All rights reserved worldwide. This eBook may be distributed freely in its entirety courtesy of the author,
Kathleen Hayes. This work may not be sold, manipulated, or reproduced in any format without express
written permission from the author.

This work contains graphic language and sexual content between two men and is not intended for anyone
under the age of 18.

Cover Design © 2011 Kathleen Hayes

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For Leah.

**Written as a part of the Hot Summer Days anthology for the M/M Romance Group on
Goodreads. Visit them at http://goodreads.com/group/show/20149**

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Chapter 1 – Watching

I was staring out my window trying to tell myself it wasn‟ t because I was waiting for
him to come out. It was either stare out my window or stare at my wall. My gaze swept
across what my landlady, Mrs. Liu, liked to call a courtyard. It was really just a patch of
mud in the middle of the four buildings that made up the apartment complex. Where the
water came from to make it mud instead of dirt was something I didn‟t want to
contemplate as it hadn‟t rained in ages and there was no way Mrs. Liu was going to pay
to water the dirt in hopes that grass would magically a ppear.

I watched as a group of four kittens wandered from under the stairs to the building just
to the left of mine. Mrs. Liu tried like crazy to get rid of the cats that infested the
“courtyard” and she never could figure out why they wouldn‟t leave. It was because
every night, after she went home, he came out and fed them.

My beautiful stranger lived in the building with the kittens and my back window had the
perfect view of the steps up to the door. Every night I watched as five feet eleven inches
of pure man sat on the steps and cuddled kittens. He was covered in tattoos and looked a
little over 30 years old. He had gorgeous green eyes and dark brown hair that looked like
it might curl if he would just grow it out a bit. He looked rugged and determine d, like he
hadn‟t had an easy life but wasn‟t going to give up anytime soon. Over the weeks I had
grown increasingly jealous of those cats.

Tonight was no different. I wondered what it would be like if I could just gather the
courage to go down and say he llo to him. Daniel would be laughing so hard if he could
see me. I‟ve tried not to shut myself off since he died, but I am just so damn shy. I own
my own pet store, for goodness sake. It‟s not like I didn‟t have an ice breaker. I sighed as

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I continued to stare. Tomorrow. I would go down and say hello tomorrow.

A sudden rattle from across the room startled me out of my reverie. I jumped and then
realized it was just Mickey getting a little over excited on his exercise wheel. Yes folks, I
have a pet mouse named Mickey. Go ahead and laugh. My little sister came over the first
day I had him and named him before I got a chance.

When I turned back to the window I was shocked to see my beautiful stranger staring up
at me. Our eyes met for a second and I wonder ed if he knew I had been watching him.
As I realized our eyes were still locked, I panicked and spun around, trying to get out of
sight as quickly as possible.

***

I reached over to snag Lucy as she tried to escape. I didn‟t get much time to play with
my kittens, so I wanted to take advantage of it. There were four of them. Lucy was white
with vertical tan markings that ran from her nose all the way over her head and down her
back. She was the most adventurous of the group. Then came Chloe. She was also w hite
with tan markings but they were not as prominent. She and Lucy spent half their time
fighting and the other half getting into trouble together. The boys were both orange but
Oscar was larger than Charlie. Oscar tended to get in trouble along with the girls.
Charlie, on the other hand, was the quiet one. He tended to be happy to just let me
cuddle him close whenever I got the chance.

Lucy, Chloe, Oscar and Charlie were all I had. I learned long ago that you can‟t count on
people; they will always let you down. Or you‟ll let them down. The kittens were simple
though. I fed them and played with them and they came back every day. I was a little

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worried about them because Mrs. Liu‟s “courtyard” was becoming more and more mud
these days. They stuck around b ecause I fed them, but soon there wouldn‟t be anywhere
dry for them to stay .

As I settled Lucy back into place , I glanced up to see if my personal spy was watching
out his window. He had straight blonde hair that fell just above his ears an d looked to be
about five feet seven or eight inches tall. He was skinny, but didn‟t look like he would
blow over in a strong wind, and I had never seen him in anything but a green polo shirt. I
never could get a good look at his face. I guess he was tryin g to be stealthy about his
spying.

I don‟t know if he was watching me or the kittens but he sat at the window every damn
day, staring. He didn‟t seem to be dangerous, so I tried to ignore him for the most part.

He had been turned away from the window but as I looked up, he turned around and our
eyes met. I had never seen his eyes before. They were a piercing blue, like the color of
the ocean in one of those tropical island pictures. Our eyes met and held for a split
second and then he hurriedly ducked out of the window. But that was enough. I flashed
back to another pair of piercing blue eyes.

These blue eyes were more like the sky on a clear summer day. They belonged to Aaron
Talbot. We had been best friends for almost ten years. We met in Sunday Schoo l in
Kindergarten. Our Moms were the teachers. Since then we had been enrolled in God’ s
Light Bible School together. The school was small enough that we had been in the same
class every year until tenth grade.

It was during the summer after tenth that ev erything changed. Aaron and I had always

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done everything together. We went to church together. We played soccer together. We got
braces together. We aced history, and failed math together. So, of course, we were
together on my 16th birthday.

We were gett ing ready to go to this soccer camp put on by college coaches that was sure
to get us scholarships so we could go to college together. We had our whole lives
planned out ahead of us. We had two more years of high school. Then we would spend
four years play ing soccer in college. After that we would get teaching jobs at the same
high school and coach together. We would have houses near each other and raise our
kids together. At 16, it was so real we could taste it.

But we would never get to that soccer camp that would kick everything off. That day
everything changed. Aaron had been acting funny for a couple of weeks. I figured he
would get around to telling me what was wrong when he was ready. He never could keep
anything from me. That afternoon, I was tryin g cheer him up by telling stupid jokes and
stories while I was packing. He seemed to be getting quieter all afternoon and I could
tell he was really nervous about something.

Finally, I had had enough. I stuffed my cleats into my bag and zipped it up, in tending to
pry whatever was wrong out of Aaron. I turned around to go across the room where he
was sitting and ran smack dab into him. Our foreheads cracked and I saw stars for a
few seconds. By the time I could see again, I realized Aaron hadn’t moved aw ay. He was
staring into my eyes. He looked terrified and determined. I’m sure I just looked
confused.

Before I knew what was going on, he grabbed me by the ears, pulled me to him and
kissed me. Now, growing up like we had, in the church, the thought that I would ever be

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kissed by a boy had never crossed my mind. I had never really wanted to kiss any of the
girls I had met but I figured I was young yet. I probably wouldn’t meet the girl I was
going to marry until I was in college. That would be the girl I wanted to kiss. So I was
feeling a fair amount of shock when Aaron kissed me.

At first, it was just weird. His lips were a little damp and kind of warm and they just
pressed against mine. But I could feel him holding onto the sides of my head for dear
life. Then he titled my head, slipped his tongue out of his mouth, and licked my lips. It
felt like fireworks had exploded inside of me. My skin got tight and tingly. I thought my
heart might burst out of my chest. Any thoughts I might have been having abou t this
being wrong or weird or awkward flew straight out of my brain as I opened my mouth to
let his tongue in.

When I started kissing back, he released his death grip on my head and slid his arms
around my back, pulling me against him. I melted into hi m and in that moment it seemed
that there was nowhere more right for us to be. I don’t know how long we stood there,
melted into each other and kissing like our lives depended on it. But, like I have since
learned, all good things are eventually ripped awa y from you.

We were so into this wonderful new amazing experience that we didn’t hear my mom
coming up the stairs. She did the typical mom “knock and open before waiting for a
response” and it was the crashing of the tray carrying cookies and lemonade to floor
that broke us apart.

I was too shocked and aroused to really process anything that had happened in the last
few minutes, but Aaron had shoved me away and looked like he was about to crumple
into the floor crying. My mom shook it off the quickest. S he grabbed Aaron’ s arm and

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started dragging him out of my room all the while screaming for my Dad.

She finally got to the front door and threw him out on the stoop. He fell in a heap on the
ground. Her eyes looked murderous as she finally began to yell at him, “AARON
JOSEPH TALBOT, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, CORRUPTING MY BOY LIKE
THAT? YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE FAG GET OUT OF HERE AND NEVER COME
BACK. I WON’T HAVE YOU LEADING JAY INTO HELL WITH YOU.”

Then she slammed the door on him. The last time I ever saw Aar on he had tears
streaming down his face and looked so broken that just looking at him made my heart
ache. My chest felt like someone had punched a hole in my ribcage. I had matching
streams of tears flowing down my cheeks.

My mom turned on me, then, “Go to your room, mister. There won’t be any dinner
tonight and we will be talking about this tomorrow. Don’t even think you are going to
soccer camp anymore.”

I stumbled and ran up the stairs to my room as quickly as I could. I wanted to call Aaron
and make sure he was okay but I didn’t think I could get away with that without my mom
finding out. I curled in a ball on my bed and cried until I fell asleep.

The next day I woke up to my mom rubbing my head saying, “Don’t worry honey. He
won’t be able to hurt you anymore. He won’t ever come back and do those evil things to
you. I know he was your best friend, but he obviously didn’t care for you.” She kept
crooning these thought s to me over and over again. I just wanted to die. I was never
going to see Aaron again. I didn’t care if he wanted to kiss me every day. I just wanted
my best friend back. Finally the phone rang and she got up to answer it.

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A little while later I heard my mom and dad arguing downstairs s o I snuck out on the
landing to listen,
“…serves tha t little Talbot boy right, trying to corrupt innocent boys. Justice has been
served by him killing himself. The devil just took back his own…”

I couldn’t listen anymore. It felt like the world I knew was crumbling around me. All that
I knew to be true had turned out to be false. The eyes I had seen the world through had
been blind. As I sat there with my soul crumbling around, all I could think was that
Aaron is gone, forever. I felt a wall of numbness erect itself within me. It was an act of
survival. If I had allowed myself to feel it all, I would have bled my soul out and I would
not have survived the loss of it. My wall saved me. My wall gave me strength. My wall
kept me standing.

In that moment I knew I couldn’t stay there. I had to leave. I took the bag of clothes I had
packed for soccer camp, emptied my piggy bank into my wallet and swung out my
window, down the tree and out of my backyard.
Since then, no one has ever breached my walls and no one will.

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Chapter 2 – Hurt

“Are you sure you don‟t have the Turke y and Liver flavor? I see Chicken and Liver but
little Fluffy doesn‟t like anything with chicken in it does she? No she does not . No no
no.” She kept baby talking to the cat in one of those purse carrier things.

I just wanted to scream at her, WE CLOSED T EN MINUTES AGO, PICK A
DIFFERENT FOOD OR GO SOMEWHERE ELSE! But she was one of the biggest
donors to the shop‟s Abused Animal Charity Fund so I smiled and listened as she picked
up every can of cat food, twice, finally settling on seafood medley.

Finally she was go ne and I sped through closing and counting the deposit. I really
wanted to get home while my beautiful stranger was out with his kittens. “Tomorrow”
was six days ago, but today was going to be the day. I grabbed one of those sticks with
ribbons hanging off the ends that cats go ape -shit over and stuffed it in my bag. V oila,
ice breaker.

I unlocked my door and threw my mail on the counter, rushing to the back window to
see if he was still there. I was shocked by what I saw. It looked like a water main or
something had broken and was spraying water into the courtyard. At first I was
distracted because my beautiful stranger was soaking wet and wading through the
deepening water in the courtyard. His shirt outlined his chest so I could see every ridge
of muscle . Streams of water flowed over his tattoos. It took me a second to wonder why
he was wading through the flooded courtyard until I saw him reach over grab what
looked like an orange dish rag from the water and wrap it in his shirt. Then, I realized h e
was trying to save his kittens.

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I spun around and grabbed some towels off the stack of laundry inhabiting my couch and
ran downstairs to help him. By the time I had splashed across the courtyard, it looked
like he had all four of them in a laundry basket, hudd ling together and looking terrified.
He began wading back towards the stairs of his building.

I was about to call out and see if he needed any help when he slipped on something he
couldn‟t see under the now six inches of water filling the courtyard. If h e hadn‟t been
carrying the laundry basket of kittens he could have swung his arms out for balance and
been fine. But he tried so hard not to drop the kittens that there was no hope for him. I
got there just in time to grab the basket before it toppled into the water.

I ran and sat the basket at the top of the stairs and hurried back to make sure my
beautiful stranger was alright. He looked a little dazed, and was trying to get up. As he
put his weight on his left foot, his whole leg buckled underneath him. I offered him my
arm and helped him over to the steps as well.

He looked around frantically until he saw the basket and that there were four kittens still
alive and, if not well, at least not drowning, in it. Then he looked at me. All of the
sudden I go t nervous again.

“Hi, my name is Charles. I saw you trying to save them and I wanted to help. Are you
ok? Do you need me to call an ambulance? Can you make it up the stairs? I own a pet
store so I can help with the kittens if you want. I…”
I stopped talki ng because he was just staring at me and I realized I had gone into babble
mode. I could feel the heat of my blush spread across my face. God, I was so
embarrassed. I took a deep breath and tried again.

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“What‟s your name?”

“Job” he rumbled out. That voic e sent shivers all through me. But wait, Job? Wasn‟t Job
that guy in the Bible who God took everything away from and killed his family just
because of some bet with Satan. Did his parents go to BadBibleBaby names .com to name
him???

“Really, Job, that‟s odd…” I clamp ed my mouth shut and shook my head. “Never mind.
If you can stay here for second, I can run your kittens up to your apartment and then
come and help you.”

He looked like he really wanted to say no but glancing around he saw no one else who
could help him and was smart enough to realize he couldn‟t do it himself. He dug into
his pockets and pulled out a key ring. As he handed it to me he growled, “Number 205.”

***

He still hasn‟t given me my damn keys back yet.

We spent hours in the ER waiting room and finally they took me back to be checked out
and then I had to spend three more hours getting x -rays and a cast. It turns out when I
tripped on whatever the fuck was under that water I broke one of the bones in the bottom
of my leg. The doctor said I neede d to stay off it for at least a week and Charles took that
as an open invitation to be my nursemaid.

It‟s been five days and every damn night he lets himself in with my keys and sets up
shop i n my kitchen. He spends hours cooking and babbling and p laying with the kittens.

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I didn‟t think I can take it much longer . Goddammit, I just want ed to be left alone. I was
going to snap soon. It doesn‟t help that the kittens, my kittens, had adopted h im. Charlie,
in particular, would curl up in his lap anytime he stopped moving long enough. Lucy,
Chloe and Oscar were bribed with catnip toys from his shop. They‟re all traitors.

Silence broke through my senses and I realize d Charl es had asked me something. I gave
him a withering look that showed just how much I d idn‟t want him to be here. “Huh?”

“I asked if yo u wanted some dessert.” He tried to look patient but I could tell he was
beginning to get annoyed with me. I was tired, in pain and annoyed and for some reason,
it all bubbled over , right then.

“No, Chaz. I don‟t want dessert. I want you to leave. Why are you here? Why do you
keep coming back? Get the fuck out and leave my keys!” As I was yelling, I c ould see a
storm cloud coming over his features.

“My name is Charles, not Chaz, and I am here because you don‟t have an yone else. You
think you can take care of yourself when you can barely walk across the room. Fine. See
if I give a flying rat‟s ass.”

He threw the keys at the couch next to me and slammed the door as he left. “Good
riddance, Chaz” I shouted at the door, s ure he could still hear me in the hallway.

I felt a wave of triumph wash over me. Finally, I had gotten rid of my busy body
neighbor. I could do whatever I wanted to. As I sat there reveling in my success, a
shadow came over me when I realized I didn‟t ha ve anything I wanted to do. I
stubbornly stared at the television for a few more hours before I dragged myself off to

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bed.

By the time I woke up the next morning, I realized I might have made a mistake. I really
did need some help to get around and feed m yself and take care of the kittens. I hobbled
out to the kitchen and microwaved some leftovers from yesterday, poured enough cat
food for a couple of days into the cat feeder, and planted myself on the couch for the
day, the four kittens draped in varying positions around and on me .

By the time Dr. Phil rolled around I wanted to scratch my eyes out. I was sure Charles
would come back tonight. He was too much of a do -gooder not to. He just wanted to
make a point last night. But 6:00 came and went with no s ign of Charles.
Around 7:30 there was a knock on the door. My heart leapt. He came after all. Then I
berated myself. I couldn‟t care less if he showed up or not. I shuffled to the door and
pulled it open, preparing to call him Chaz just to annoy him. But when I opened the
door, it was a guy standing there with a pizza, not Charles.

“I didn‟t order a pizza.”

“No, a Charles Greyson ordered it to be sent over to you. He also asked that we remind
you to feed the kittens when we delivered the pizza.”

“Huh?”

“Charles Greyson reminds you to feed the kittens and paid for this pizza to be delivered
here. Do you want it or not?”

“Um, Sure.”

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I took the pizza and closed the door. I didn‟t know how to deal with the disappointment
that it hadn‟t been Charles at th e door. His do -gooder nature wouldn‟t let me go hungry
when he knew I couldn‟t feed myself but he was obviously done with me. That thought
shot a splinter into that wall I had built around my heart for so long.

I didn‟t know what to do. Part of me was an gry at myself for driving him away. Part of
me was angry at him for getting close enough to cause that splinter. I let the angry at him
part take over. He had no right. And I was going to tell him so.

I let that anger flow through me like a righteous rive r and give me strength. It numbed
the pain I was feeling, both physical and emotional. I grabbed the pizza box and
stumbled out the door and down my stairs. By the time I made it over to his building and
up his stairs the pain was starting to edge out over my anger and I was beginning to
regret my plan. But I was almost there.

I got to his door and leaned against the door frame to gather my strength. Then I
slammed a fist into his door three times.
“OPEN THIS DOOR, CHAZ. I KNOW YOU‟RE IN THERE!”

The door swung open and Charles stood there looking flushed and magnificent in his
outrage. He looked like he could barely speak but managed to get out, “My name is
Charles, not Chaz.”

“What is the meaning of this?” I hissed as I held up the pizza box , before I th rew it to the
ground just outside his door . I really needed this confrontation to be over so I could
collapse. Pain was pulsing up through my leg and making me dizzy.

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“You kicked me out. You said you never wanted to see me again. I didn‟t want you to
starve while stewing in your pride. Excuse me. And while we‟re asking questions, what
is the meaning of this?” He waved his arm towards me, clearly indi cating my presence at
his door, as he continued to glare at me.

I wanted to look away from him, to gather my thoughts. Why had I come over here
again? But his eyes bored into me and wouldn‟t let me go.

I have no fucking clue how it happened but all of the sudden I had pulled him towards
me and was kissing him like I needed
him more than breath itself.

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Chapter 3 – Tattoos

He kissed me. Oh my God, he‟s still kissing me. I let that thought take over my brain for
a good ten seconds before I started kissing him back. It was everything I had hoped for
while staring out the window at my beautiful stranger for all those weeks, but more real
because I felt his strength and his vulnerability wash over me like waves on the shore.
This was my beautiful stranger who fed kittens and looked hotter than a man should be
allowed. But it was also Job, who was prickly and proud and didn‟t let people in. Then
all of the sud den it was gone.

“Wha…?”

I looked down and it appeared that Job had fainted in my hallway. It was in that moment
that it hit me that he had walked all the way down his stairs, across the courtyard and up
my stairs to get here. On his broken leg. Oh my God.
I looped my arms under his shoulder and did my best to drag him into my apartment but
he was really heavy. In the end I got to where I could lean him up against my couch. I
grabbed a damp cloth from the kitchen and wiped his face while I was trying t o wake
him up. Eventually, I got him alert enough to stand up and let me help him hop to the
bed. I gave him some painkillers, helped him undress and tucked him in.

Then I stared at him. Did I get into bed with him? Was there any way I could do
anything e lse, knowing he was in here asleep? After a few minutes of deliberation I
stripped to my boxers and climbed in next to him. I spooned against him, being careful
not to jostle his broken leg.

At first I just listened to him breathing and reveled in holdin g him in my arms. But, after

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about thirty minutes I fell asleep as well.

I woke up as Job became restless in my arms. I glanced over at the clock. We had been
asleep for about four hours. He rolled over and faced me, looking a little uncertain. I
could s ee the defensiveness building behind his eyes so before he had the chance to say
something stupid or yell at me again, I kissed him. This one had all the passion of the
first one but was much gentler.

I laced my fingers into his hair and held him close s o he would have to work at it if he
wanted to break the kiss. He didn‟t want to. He wrapped his arms behind me and pulled
our hips together. I could feel his cock rubbing against mine and it just about melted all
my bones. Except the one that matters, of c ourse. I squirmed to get closer and my leg
knocked into his cast. He let out a pained grunt and I pulled back.

“Sorry”

“Fucking broken leg. Not your fault.”

He pulled me back closer to him but didn‟t try to kiss me. He tucked my head onto his
shoulder a nd put his arm around me. You could have knocked me over with a feather if I
hadn‟t already been lying down. Job, who had spent the last week yelling at me and
telling me to get out was cuddling with me. He didn‟t say anything so I just enjoyed the
moment.

After a good while of just laying there, I began to trace his tattoos. He had them all over
his torso and his arms. I had seen them over the course of the week while I had been
taking care of him but I hadn‟t had a chance to get a good look until now.

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Below his belly button in a gothic script was “Job 3:3.” I traced it a few times before I
asked him what it meant. He got quiet for a few minutes and I thought he wasn‟t going
to answer. But then he started out with a whisper saying,

“That was my f irst tat. I got it the week after I ran away from home. ” He paused and I
thought that was all I was going to get, but then he contin ued, “See, I grew up in this
really religious house. My parents were really into all that church stuff and I was their
poster child. ”

“Until one day my best friend kissed me. I had never kissed anyone or even wanted to
kiss anyone before that. My mom walked in on us and she threw Aaron out, calling him
nasty names and told him never to come back. All I could do was sit and watch , I was so
stunned. The next day he killed himself and I overheard my mom saying it was the devil
taking back his own. So I ran away. ”

“ Growing up in church I knew the story of Job. God made a bet with Satan saying Satan
could do whatever he wanted to Job and he would still remain faithful. So Satan took
everything from him. All his stuff, his land, his family. That verse is when Job says, „Let
the day of my birth be erased…let that day be turned to darkness.‟ That‟s sort of how I
felt after Aaron was gone. I lost my family, my best friend, my future. That‟s when I
started calling myself Jo b.”

He sort of startled then, as if he realized he had just said more than two sentences in a
row. “I‟ve never told that to anyone. Not even the guy who did the tat.”

“What‟s your real name?”

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He gave a little snort then and said, “Jacob Obadiah Bain. Ev en my initials wanted me to
be Job.”

Rather than let him stew over what he had revealed, I began to trace his other tattoos.
There was one of some flowers on his forearm and I asked him about that one next.

“I got that one when old Mrs. Rosenbaum died. S he was this sweet little lady who let me
crash in a room over her garage before I was old enough to get my own place. She loved
her yard. She had these great big Oleander trees all around it. They stank something
awful but she loved them. She would sit the re on her porch staring at those trees and
feeding all the damn cats in the whole neighborhood . I started feeding the kittens down
in the courtyard cause I knew she woulda been heartbroken to see „em starve to death. ”

We went on like this until I had ask ed about all his tattoos. I was surprised he was
willing to share that much but I wasn‟t going to argue. When I had asked about the last
one we lapsed into silence for awhile. Then I rolled over on one arm and gave him a
playful smile and asked, “Aren‟t yo u going to ask if I have any tattoos?”

He looked at me a little sideways and half laughed. Then he asked, without even trying
to keep a straight face, “Okay, do you have any tattoos?”

“Yup, sure do. I‟ve got two.” He just about fell out of bed he was so shocked.

“Where?” He demanded.

I pushed the sheet down below our waists and pulled the waistband of my boxers down.

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Just below my left hipbone was a dolphin. Rather than making him ask me about it, I
just told him.

“I was on swim team in college and after we won states junior year we all went out and
got drunk and tattooed ourselves with various sea creatures. I‟m lucky I woke up with a
dolphin. One guy woke up with a manatee tattooed on his left ass cheek.”

After we both stopped laughing, he asked, “Where‟s the other one?”

This one was a bit more serious. I reached over and took the watch off my right wrist.
Around my wrist I had tattooed, “…And none of that makes the love not worth it.” He
gave me a questioning look. I took a deep breath and remembered the day Daniel had
died.

Junior was wagging his tail so hard, I knew if he weren’t better trained he would be
dragging me by the leash to get off the elevator. We didn’t usually visit the oncology floor
on Mondays but we were here to see Daniel. We visited hi m last, every day, so I could
spend more time with him. We got some funny looks from a few of the visitors. Not
everyone realizes that there are organizations that train dogs special to visit patients in
the hospital.

I waved at the nurses as I passed by the nurse’s station and ended up in front of room 24.
The door was closed so I paused a moment to take a deep breath. I grabbed a handful of
that foam sanitizer stuff as the “Foam in, Foam out” sign by every door instructed. As I
opened the door, I said a brief prayer that today would be one of his good days. If he had
a few more of those they might let go home before he … no don’t want to think about
that.

Broken Kathleen Hayes

23

As soon as I saw him curled on his side, with his dark blond hair plastered to his pale
face by swe at I knew that today was not a good day. His arms were curled around one of
those pink plastic bins they give you to vomit in so they can measure it later and he was
fast asleep. I signaled to Junior to sit in the corner and walked over to Daniel and gentl y
kissed his forehead, making sure not to wake him up. I settled into the chair by his bed to
read until he woke up.

I guess I must have dozed off at some point because I woke up to him smiling at me and
saying, “Charlie.” Even his weak smiles did someth ing to my insides that had never
happened from anyone else.

“Hey, Danny Boy, how you doing today?” I tried to smile back at him but I don’t know
how successful I was.

“It’ s a crap day,” he said a s he reached a h and around his thankfully empty barf bin to
grab mine. I took hold of it and then got lost in his hazel eyes for a moment. On his good
days they would sparkle with humor and joy and there was no greater sight. On his bad
days, like today, they were clouded over with pain and it seemed like the c andle that was
normally lit behind them had been blown out. When Junior and I had first met him,
almost a month ago, his eyes sparkled more often than not. Now it had been four days
since I had seen them sparkle.

I was pulled out of his eyes when I notice d him grabbing for something on his tray. I
reached over handed it to him, watching as he pulled out a piece of gum and stuck it in
his mouth. “You’re going to waste energy chewing a piece of gum when you can barely
lift your hand to pick it up?” I asked h im.

Broken Kathleen Hayes

24

“I taste like puke and I wanted you to kiss me today,” Daniel rasped tiredly. He made a
brave effort at a grin but it fell short when he lapsed into a painful grimace halfway
through. It felt like a bruise to my heart, watching him try so hard when he hurt so much.
I would have kissed him no matter what he tasted like.

I leaned over his bed and pressed my lips to his. I ran my tongue over his teeth and
pressed inside. He rallied with strength I wouldn’t have thought he had and I felt his
nasal cannula smash into my nose as he clutched my head to his and tangled his tongue
with mine. It tasted like love and pain and was desperate and bittersweet. I couldn’t help
but feel like it was a goodbye. There were tears in my eyes when we broke apart and that
bruise on my heart was three shades darker.

He seemed to collapse in on himself after that, like he had used up all his strength on
those ten seconds and there was no more left. He closed his eyes for a second and then
looked at me and whispered, brokenly, “ Hold me.” I don’t know how the nurses
generally feel about the visitors climbing in the hospital beds with the patients but there
is nothing on God’ s green earth that could have kept me from climbing in that bed and
wrapping my arms around Daniel.

We had never done this before, always too conscious of how often the nurses came into
check on him. He settled in using my bottom arm as a pillow and I wrapped my top arm
around his waist and pulled him up to me so we were touching from the top of his head
to the bottom of his feet. He was so thin and fragile and precious.

He fell asleep that way, until Kelli, one of the nurses, came into check on him. I gave her
stubborn stare and made it clear I was not going anywhere unless they had to do

Broken Kathleen Hayes

25
something medical tha t required him to move. She smiled at me and nodded.

“How’ s he doing?” I asked Kelli. He barely stirred in my arms. I saw her smile falter a
bit and somehow I knew, there weren’t going to be any more days with sparkling eyes.

“His systems are shutting do wn one by one. We could keep him alive a little bit longer
on a ventilator and dialysis but he has signed an advance directive and an A.N.D.
stating that he doesn’t want extreme measures.”

“A.N.D.?”

“Allow Natural Death.”

“Oh.” I felt my heart break a little just then. I didn’t want him to hurt but it just seemed
too soon. Any time seemed too soon. I had known from 5 minutes after meeting him that
he was dying but somehow it wasn’t real until that moment. Daniel woke up as she
checked all his IV’ s and p orts and whatnot that were connected to him.

After she left, he turned around in my arms so he could look me in the face. “I found
something for you today,” he said.

“What’ s that?” I replied as I tucked his sweaty hair behind his ear.

“In the tray. On e of the volunteers was reading to me from her poetry group’ s blog.” I
twisted around pulled out the drawer of his tray and found a piece of paper. I looked at
him questioningly.

Broken Kathleen Hayes

26
“I thank God every day that he gave me you to love this past month. It gave me
happiness I thought I had lost when they told me I was going to die. But I would take it
all back if I thought that loving me and watching me die was going to break you beyond
repair. Promise me you won’t stay broken.”

Tears rolled down my face as I re ad through what the volunteer had copied down for
Daniel:

Broken

You look at me and
You ask
With fear
And disbelief
And maybe just a little bit of awe
How can you love, again?
It shows in your eyes
You think only of
The broken heart
The shattered pi eces
The lonely silence
That comes after.
But I say to you
I have been broken,
I have been shattered,
I have been lonely.
And none of that
Makes the love not worth it.

I looked up at him. We had never said I love you. But it was clear, in the month th at we
had gotten together, we both had fallen. “I…I… don’t know if I can,” I stammered, tears
still streaming down my face

“You can. Promise me.” He wasn’t even gone yet and my heart felt broken beyond

Broken Kathleen Hayes

27
repair. But he stared steadily at me, waiting for an answer. And I thought, if he is strong
enough to die this bravely, the least I can do is be strong for him after he’ s gone.

“Okay, I promise.” I whispered, as if saying it quietly would make it easier to follow
through.

“Good.” And he rolled back over s o he could be the little spoon again. He rested his
head on my arm again and wrapped one of his hands around my wrist, holding on for
dear life. With my other arm, I clutched him to me as tightly as I dared, realizing I
needed to say it out loud at least o nce before he was taken from me, “I love you, my
Danny Boy.”

“I love you too, my Charlie,” he barely said before he drifted off to sleep. Junior came
over then and put his head on the edge of the bed so I could pet him and I lay there
holding Daniel as he slept with Junior keeping us company.

I don’t know how much time passed, but it couldn’t have been too long because Junior
hadn’t made a fuss about needing to go out yet, when it seemed like Daniel started
breathing slower. Every time he breathed out I w ould hold my breath until he breathed in
again, praying this wasn’t it. My head started swimming and I was seeing black spots
before I realized that he hadn’t taken a breath in a really long time.

I pressed the nurse call button, knowing there was nothin g they could do because he had
signed an A.N.D. By the time the doctor came in, I knew he was dead. I cried silent tears
as I held him. This boy clutched to my chest was the only thing keeping my heart from
falling out and it’s million shattered pieces fro m being irretrievably scattered on the
floor. His hand was still around my wrist.

Broken Kathleen Hayes

28

Eventually, I had to take Junior and leave. I slept for three days and when I finally
dragged myself out of bed I had the last two lines of the poem tattooed, on that wrist, so
I would never forget my promise. And, God knows, there were times that tattoo was the
only thing that kept me eating and sleeping and gettin g out of bed in the morning.

We both sat there in sile nce for a bit after I finished telling my story . Job wrapped his
arm around me and pulled me in to rest my head on his chest. And I think I felt him kiss
my hair as we fell asleep.

Broken Kathleen Hayes

29
Chapter 4 – Healing

I woke up when the sun from the window started to trek across the bed. Chaz‟s arm was
still wrapped around me like he thou ght I was going to try to escape or something. I sat
there staring at the ceiling for the longest time trying to decide what I was feeling. It felt
like the night before , Chaz had broken giant pieces of my wall down and now I wasn‟t
sure how I was supposed to live like that , all exposed to the world . But he had done it .
For years. Just lived, all broken like that. And now he was whole again, mostly.

Before I could get too worked up over it, I felt Chaz‟s lips press against my shoulder
where his head lay. He mumbled “Good morning” as he began to lazily run his hand
across my torso, occasionally encountering a nipple or grazing the top of my erection,
which was quickly turning from morning wood into full out hard on.

No matter how much my body was saying don ‟t stop, my heart beat a hundred miles a
minute and I knew I needed to pause him at least for a second to explain. I grabbed his
wrist and he looked up at me with a heated gaze I could get lost in. He raised his
eyebrow in question. I looked away and looke d back, unsure how to get this out .

“I‟ve never done this before.”

“What?”

“After Aaron, I thought I was dead down there. I‟ve never wanted to with an actual
person before.” That was a lot harder to say than it might seem. I looked away again,
hoping Ch az would get it and not kick me out of bed.

Broken Kathleen Hayes

30
“It‟s okay, Job. We‟ll take it slow.” He whispered in my ear as his tongue traced the
outside of my earlobe. Who knew my earlobe was directly connected with my cock.
Apparently Chaz did.

He swung his leg over me, so he was straddling my hips. I was still naked from the night
before and somewhere along the line, without my noticing, he had gotten rid of his
boxers. His balls covered the tip of my cock as his crack settled over my shaft. As he
leaned down to kiss me, his balls rasped over my shaft until our cocks were lined up
next to each other between our stomachs.

Then our lips met and the sensations were just so much I couldn‟t think anymore. It felt
like the rest of my wall was blasted to bits but, at the s ame time, something from Chaz
wrapped around my heart and prot ected better than any wall ever could have.

I began to flex my hips just so I could feel our skin and our cocks move against each
other. It was torture but it was wonderful. Chaz broke off from my mouth and kissed his
way down my throat until he was able to flick one of nipples with his tongue. He lapped
and laved and bit until it felt like my nipple was on fire and then he moved to the other
one.
It was hard to breath. I needed … something. “P lease, Chaz.” I gasped.

“I‟ve got you, Job,” he rasped as he slid further down me , making sure not to bump my
cast. I knew where this was going but I was utterly unprepared for the feeling of his wet
hot mouth around my cock. My hips snapped towards him and I scrabbled to get a hold
of something to ground myself. Finally, I reached my hands out and tangled them into
his hair.

Broken Kathleen Hayes

31
He was bobbing up and down, running his tongue all around me and fondling my balls
and it was the best thing I had ever experience d. I felt my balls start to draw up and I
could feel my orgasm starting like a starburst from the bottom of my spine. I held my
breath as I waited to fall over the edge.

But Chaz grabbed my balls and pulled, wrapping his hand around them to keep me from
coming. My erection strained in front of me, begging, needing release, dripping all over
my stomach. My brain barely had enough blood to register what was going on. “Chaz,
wha… don‟t stop…need to come…”

“Wait. Don‟t want you to come til you‟re in me,” he breathed in my ear. If he thought
that was going help, he was wildly mistaken. I almost fainted.

He reached into the drawer beside his bed and pulled out a bottle of lube then leaned
back so he was sitting on my thighs, but careful not to put too much we ight on my
broken leg.

Then he spread the lube on my cock. All the sparks that had been shooting throughout
my body coalesced in a heated pool based in my groin. It felt like my skin was suddenly
too tight and too thin. Any movement would cause it to tea r and for all of me to be
turned inside out and revealed. It was wonderful and frightening.

Finally, he knelt up, placed me at his entrance and sank down on me. I don‟t know how I
didn‟t come right then. I felt his tight ring of muscle slide like a vice g rip down my cock
until all of me was surrounded by his amazing heat. All of the sudden, it didn‟t matter if
I was turned inside out and revealed, because he was there to contain me. I would be
safe with him , safe in him .

Broken Kathleen Hayes

32

I strained towards that heat, tha t safe place. Chaz ground his hips in a circle, not letting
any of me leave him but still giving us friction. I grabbed his cock and gave him that
same friction he was giving me. My hand slipped through his precome, up and down his
shaft.

I looked up and met his eyes and, in that moment, he screamed out my name and came. I
could feel his muscle squeeze around me as spurts of his come covered my chest. It was
too much. Still looking at his face, locked in pleasure, I came undone in him.

Jolt after jolt o f pure pleasure washed through me as everything I was came open before
Chaz. I flailed my arms trying to find him, to grab him, to anchor myself. I made contact
with his shoulders and pulled him to me so we could kiss as the aftershocks of our
orgasms play ed through our bodies.

His kisses brought me back and settled me in my own body again. And in that moment, I
knew that, even though I had been broken, I was strong enough to love again someday.

6 months later

Job came into the shop dragging our t wo new puppies on their leashes in one hand and
carrying the jumbo sized cat carrier with the kittens in the other. It really was quite a
comical picture, my badass tattooed boyfriend barely keeping his balance as he is almost
overrun by small furry animal s. I smiled and thanked God or Danny or whoever that I
had this man in my life.

“A little help here, Chaz.”

Broken Kathleen Hayes

33

“Stop calling me Chaz,” I grumbled and then I laughed a little , knowing he was never
going to stop, and went over to take Danny and Aaron‟s leash es from him as he sat the
cat carrier down. It was the shop‟s monthly Pet Play Day and the back area was going to
be filled with local pets and their parents in just under an hour.

After we let our passel out, Job turned around to give me a proper greeti ng. Then he
nipped my ear and grumbled, “You know you love it. Besides, what else am I gonna call
you. Charles is way too stuffy and Charlie is the kitten. So you have to be Chaz.”

“Fine,” I pouted, just a little bit. Then he kissed me and I stopped carin g what he called
me. Finally, I had to push him away or I was never going to be ready to open on time.
“Go get the treats out.” He turned to walk away but before I was out of hearing range he
shot back, “Love you, Chaz.”

Alright, I kinda like it when he c alls me Chaz.

THE END.

Broken Kathleen Hayes

34
Author Bio:
I have been reading since forever. I was the kid who didn‟t get grounded but
got her books taken away when she got in trouble. I spend my day job
surrounded by death and grief so when I read I want to see those happy
endings. Recently I have been convinced to try my hand at writing my own
happy endings. There might have been a dare involved.