By Brian A Martin [628441]

1
The TA Way
of
Understanding
Ourselves and
Each Other
By Brian A Martin
MSc CTA HPD MBACPPARENT
ADULT
CHILD
ISBN 978 -0-9573280 -5-1 First published by Brian A Martin & Associates UK January 2015 Our Multiple
Personalities‘I wish somebody had told me this before’
is what clients often say, when I introduce them to TA.

2Foreword -Why I wrote this book
It was a eureka moment for me when I discovered
Transactional Analysis [TA] in 2001. It struck me
right away, as a brilliant way of understanding why
we think, feel and behave as we do. I have written
this book in easy read format for intelligent
members of the general public, so they can use TA
ways of understanding themselves and each other
to improve their life and relationships. I hope you
will find TA as enlightening and helpful as I have.
Brian A Martin
www.brianamartin.co.uk
Counsellor, Couples Counsellor, Psychotherapist, Mediator and Life Skills
Coach based in Hinckley, Leicestershire, UK.
Registered with ‘The United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy’ [UKCP]
and ‘The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy’ [BACP]

What Is Transactional Analysis [TA] ?
3Transactional Analysis [TA] is a way
of analysing what’s going on inside our
own head between different parts
of our personality and what’s happening
between ourselves and each other in our
relationships.
By helping us to understand why we think,
feel and behave the way we do, TA provides
a basis for personal growth, emotional
health and relationship improvement.
3P
A
CPARENT
ADULT
CHILD
ISBN 978 -0-9573280 -5-1 First published by Brian A Martin & Associates UK August 2014

What leading Transactional Analysts
say about this book
Ian Stewart BA PhD MPracNLP TSTA[P] Joint Author of ’TA To -day’.
‘’In ‘The TA Way’, Brian Martin once again shows his talent for
conveying important ideas in a clear, entertaining and creative style.
His straightforward, down -to-earth writing is reinforced on each page
by plenty of humorous and striking images. I certainly recommend his
book to anyone meeting TA for the first time.“
Adrienne Lee BA MPractNLP TSTA[P]
“Brian Martin has created a lively, animated book that provides an
easy introduction to basic TA theory. The book presents some
important considerations about ourselves, our behaviour and our
relationships in a friendly, direct way for all to enjoy. Profound truths
about life are expressed with simplicity and warmth.”
Both Ian Stewart and Adrienne Lee hold the European Association for
Transactional Analysis Gold Medal for services to Transactional
Analysis.4

What leading Transactional Analysts
say about this book [Cont]
Mo Felton MSc TSTA[P]
‘’At last a book that introduces some of the core concepts of TA in a
simple and fun format which makes the complexity and depth of these
ideas accessible to everyone. This book is a key tool in Brian’s kit for
helping to build better communication, patience and understanding in
relationships. I am delighted to recommend this book’’.
John Monk -Steel RMN, RGN, TSTA(P).
‘Brian Martin has once again written a very entertaining and
informative book which presents some very complex concepts in a clear
way which is accessible to anyone who has not come across TA before.
‘The TA Way of Understanding Ourselves and Each Other’ will be a
very useful resource for anyone wishing to begin studying TA’’.
Footnote: TSTA[P] is the Teaching & Supervisory level of qualification
in Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy.5

My other books, cd’s and downloads
To read about my other books, cd’s and downloads please visit:
www.brianamartin.co.uk OR Amazon UK
Books [including cd and download versions]
Healing Your Relationship
The Anger Management Programme
Relationship Advice For Couples
Cd’s and downloads
Get A Grip on Your Anger
Deep Relaxation, Self Calming & Sleep
Thought Stopping Techniques
Self Confidence Guided Visualisation
Managing Anxiety Provoking Situations
6
Please share this free download link https://brianamartin.co.uk/ta

7The importance of self awareness
and understanding others
It seems to me, that not having an
understanding of the psychology
of yourself and others, is being on
life’s journey without being
equipped to overcome the
obstacles, setbacks and crises
we will inevitably meet in our
relationships with others.
Transactional Analysis [TA]
is a brilliant way of developing
self-awareness and understanding
of others. I found my training in
TA [at The Berne Institute in
Kegworth U.K.] life changing.
Illustrations by
Barry_Aldridge27@tiscali.co.uk

8Personal development
There is much more to TA than I have been able to
cover in this book. I recommend further study of it
if you are interested in personal development and in
understanding why we think, feel and behave the way
we do –even when it’s very unhelpful!
If you would like to know more about TA,
I suggest you visit ‘The United Kingdom Association
for Transactional Analysis [UKATA] at:
www.uktransactionalanalysis.co.uk
I can also recommend, as your next book on TA,
‘TA Today’ by Ian Stewart and Vann Joines

9Part One: The TA way
of understanding ourselves and others
Transactional Analysis [TA] description. 10 -11
Ego States –our multiple ‘personalities 12 -34
Injunctions & Drivers; parental instructions still controlling us 18 –20
I’m OK : You’re OK -the philosophy at the heart of TA 36 –40
Emotional Trading Stamps: how we store anger and hurt 41
Rubber banding: how the past drives feelings in the present 42 -43
Psychological games we play 45 -54
Life Positions: our attitude to ourselves and others 54 –58
Contracting for change 59 -60
INDEX
Page 113 Why we are not in the same world
as anyone else [page 61 ]Part
Two

Three of the big ideas at the heart of
Transactional Analysis [TA]
10
EGO STATES –
Our multiple ‘personalities’
[Pages 12 -34]I’M OK:
YOU’RE OK –
The philosophy
at the heart of TA
[pages 36 –40 ]
LIFE SCRIPT –
The script we’ve
constructed
to live our life by
[Page 71 –75]PARENT
ADULT
CHILD

11What is being analysed in
‘Transactional Analysis’?
A Transaction is simply a unit of communication. You say something
to your partner who responds in some way, verbal or non -verbal.
You have exchanged transactions. Or I nod and say ‘Hello’ and you
nod and say ‘Hello’ back. We have exchanged transactions.
Transactional Analysis is exactly that –an analysis of what is
going on in the communication process between ourselves and others
and internally between different parts of our own personality.
Ego States A key part of Transactional Analysis, is the theory
about different parts of our personality. This is a really helpful way
of understanding what is going on between ourselves and others and
inside our head between the different parts of our personality.

12Ego States -our multiple ‘personalities’ –
the brainchild of Eric Berne
Eric Berne was a psychoanalyst and psychotherapist, the Canadian
born son of a medical doctor. He practised in the U.S.A and died
in 1970 at the age of 60, the author of nine books, including
‘The Games People Play’ which brought him international fame.
Berne built on work by Paul Federn and Eduardo Weiss to develop
a theory of personality which led to a new way of thinking about
psychological processes and a whole new type of psychotherapy.
He called his new approach ‘Transactional Analysis’, or TA for short.
His theories have helped to change the lives of many people through
the work of thousands of Transactional Analysts worldwide.

13Ego States -our multiple ‘personalities’
Eric Berne, the mastermind behind
Transactional Analysis [TA], identified
different states of mind which he called
Ego States.
Berne described how we move rapidly
and frequently between these different
states of mind, these Ego States,
depending on the situation we are in
and who we are with.
In many ways it’s like having multiple
personalities: which ‘personality’
we bring out depends on the situation
we find ourselves in.P
A
CADULTPARENT
CHILD
Berne identified
three Ego States –
Parent, Adult & Child
To learn more about Eric Berne read ‘Eric Berne’ by Ian Stewart.

14
P = Parent Ego State
Attitudes, thoughts and
feelings ‘swallowed whole’
without question from
parent figures
A = Adult Ego State
Behaviours, thoughts and
feelings in direct response
to here and now reality
C = Child Ego State
Behaviours, thoughts,
and feelings replayed from
childhood
We switch rapidly between
being the Parent, Adult or
Child in our head depending
on the circumstances we find
ourselves in at any moment
14

15
Two kinds of Parent Ego State
A main problem with Parent Ego State is, that when in that
ego state, we are replaying thinking and behaviour learned
from our parents, which may be very inappropriate to ‘here
and now’ reality.
Critical/Controlling Parent
Always trying to impose their
‘BIG BOOK OF RIGHT WAYS’ on others
–sometimes for the good of the other person
[Positive Controlling Parent], sometimes to meet their
own psychological needs [Negative Controlling Person].Nurturing Parent
Caring, supportive,
forgiving [but see final
paragraph on page 17!
15

16Our Parent Ego State
When we are in Parent Ego State we are
replaying ways of thinking and behaving
we have, out of awareness, copied from one
or more parent influences –mum, dad,
grandparents, teachers, etc.
This way of thinking and behaving may,
amongst many other things, include permission
to be aggressive or permission to be
prejudiced against some groups in society.
When we are being controlling we may be in
controlling Parent Ego State and handling the
situation as one of our parent figures would have
done. Although often unhelpful, it may not be
unhelpful when we are acting in the other
person’s best interest.
In what situations do you become your mother or father?
Nurturing
Parent
Critical/
Controlling
Parent
This is called ‘Positive Controlling Parent’.

Critical/Controlling Parent
won’t work well in the long run
The belief that children should obey parents without question,
underpins the Critical/Controlling Parent Ego State [Pages 15 -20]
The extreme consequences of over -controlling parenting is,
on the one hand, breaking the child’s spirit or, on the other hand,
the child deciding not to be controlled and the onset of a struggle.
The Critical/Controlling Parent may finish up with a model, well
behaved, passive, child for the time being –but, will the passive child
be able to get it’s needs met in it’s relationship with others? Will the
child be able to ‘stand up for itself’ out there in the real world.
And what will happen when the child becomes a teenager and discovers
that parents can no longer supervise them most of the time?
The Nurturing Parent Ego State can also cause development problems
e.g. when the parent is over -protective, the child is not learning to be
self-sufficient.17

18Our Critical & Controlling Parent not only
criticises and tries to control others…….
……it also criticises and controls us!
The Critical/Controlling Parent in our head demands that we think,
feel and behave in certain ways. For example, we may feel driven
to be perfect, try hard, be strong or please others.
We may be forbidden by the Parent in our head to have fun, show
off, think positive thoughts about ourselves, get our needs met,
appear weak or vulnerable or let our feelings show.
We may also be carrying Parent permission
to be angry and aggressive in some situations
or, conversely, be forbidden to show anger.
What prejudices we have are more likely
to be coming from our Parent Ego State
than from personal experience in life.

19How our parents of childhood days
still control us
In Transactional Analysis [TA] the
instructions in our programming about
what to do and what not to do are called
‘DRIVERS’ and ‘INJUNCTIONS’.
‘DRIVERS’ may include instructions to
Be Perfect, Try Hard, Be Strong and
Please Others.
When we disobey the Parent in our head
and fail to Be Perfect, Try Hard,
Be Strong or Please Others, we feel
very anxious or guilty –just like a fearful
disobedient child would feel.
The Child in Sam’s
grown up head who
must still obey her
parents instructions.

20We also carry parental instructions from
childhood about what we must not do
 The instructions in our programming
about what we must not do are called
‘INJUNCTIONS’.
 Our ‘INJUNCTIONS’ may forbid us to have
fun, show off, think positive thoughts about
 ourselves, get our needs met, allow ourselves
to accept help or express our feelings.
 Should we dare to disobey any of our
‘INJUNCTIONS’ we feel anxious.
Normally, we just do as we are told by the
Parent in our head –anything rather than
the acute anxiety which follows disobeying.
If the Parent in your
head is making life
difficult you should
consider TA
Psychotherapy

21
Adult Ego State
Behaviours, thoughts and feelings in
direct response to here and now reality.
Factual, analytical, open -minded,
reality -based, common sense approach.
The Adult Ego State contains our
accumulated wisdom based on our life
experience and learning. There are several kinds
of Parent and Child Ego
States but there is only
one Adult Ego State.
21

22Our Adult Ego State
When we are in Adult Ego State
we are fully present in the ‘here and
now’, responding appropriately to the
situation in the present.
For Example: When we use the
parenting skills we have learned
from reading and personal experience,
rather than those we have copied
from our parents, we are in
Adult Ego State.
When we use parenting methods which
we copied and swallowed whole from
our parents without thinking about it,
we are in Parent Ego State.

23Alcohol switches off
the Adult Ego State
Excess alcohol switches off the Adult Ego
State [page 21 -24 & 33 -34]
Excess alcohol can often let loose a hurt
and angry Child [pages 25 –30] or destructive
Critical Parent [pages 15 -20]
The first couple of drinks may switch off
the Critical and Controlling Parent in your head,
bringing temporary freedom from those
guilt-inducing shoulds and shouldn’ts,
musts and mustn'ts and other critical
and controlling messages –what joy!
However….

24
……..if, having switched off your Parent Ego State with the first drinks,
you continue to drink you may switch off your Adult Ego State and be left
with a drunken Child or Critical Parent in charge of your behaviour.
Sober
Drunk ChildI think you will have no problem in agreeing
that handing over control to an inebriated Child
is not a good idea -especially if the Child has a
collection of Anger Stamps [Page 41] 24

25
Different Child Ego States
FC = Free Child
Fun loving,
spontaneous,
uninhibitedRC = Rebellious Child
Defiant, complaining,
obstructive
AC = Adapted
Child
Passive, tries
to please
25All ego states can be
helpful or unhelpful,
positive or negative,
depending on the
situation #
# Example: Free Child is great at a party, but not when you are driving!

26Our Child Ego State
We are in Child Ego State when we
are thinking, feeling, and behaving
as we would have done in childhood.
Child Ego State is not the same as
being ‘childish’. When we are in
Child Ego State we have regressed
temporarily to being the child we
used to be.
Child Ego State includes our magical
and irrational thoughts and feelings.
Example: If in the presence of an authority figure we feel inadequate or
scared although there is no need, we are in Child Ego State. We are
responding to that authority figure as we did to a parent, bullying teacher or
stern grandfather. Also, when we have phobic level fears we have regressed
temporarily to childhood and are responding like the child we were.
In whose company, and/or when,
do you become a child again?

As new born babies we have only one ego state –Child. At this point
we are totally selfish, concerned only with survival, being fed and
being kept comfortable and safe.
As we grow, the content of our Child Ego State develops and we learn
how to be to get the right results from the adults around us,
principally mum and dad. In healthy development we start to develop
empathy skills and get what we want by pleasing others.
We also start to learn practical stuff, like how to talk, read, write
add up and solve puzzles. This is our emerging Adult Ego State.
We start to copy parental behaviours, as can be seen when 4 year old
‘big’ sister plays with her younger brother and uses the same words
and gestures which mum uses. This is the seedling Parent Ego State.
27Children have
Ego States too!

‘Where did we go wrong?’
Parents coming for help with the problem behaviour
of their children often come with this nagging question,
‘Where did we go wrong?’
Eric Berne, the originator of TA, compared the
development process of children to a pile of pennies.
One out of line penny, one event, can skew the whole pile.
Problem is, there are so many factors which can start
things going wrong , not least that the child has had to
interpret everything that happened, had to make sense
of things and has constructed a private version of the
truth about their childhood.
The reality they experience and remember and which
has shaped them, may bear little resemblance to what
was intended by the parents, or how they remember it.28

29A small example; the child often complains
of feeling ill. Mum thinks, ‘she is just trying
to get out of going to school’ and takes her
to school despite her protests.
How will the child interpret that?
If she decides ‘Mummy doesn’t really love me
or she wouldn’t send me to school when I am
feeling ill’, how will that ‘Mummy doesn’t really
love me’ decision affect her development?
She may then start to unconsciously filter
[pages 79 -85] all kinds of future events for
further proof that she is not loved, may even
develop an ‘I am not loveable’ filter and need
therapy at some pointDon’t worry how your
relationship with
your child got to
where it is –just
focus on getting it as
right as you can now.How interpretation can skew
the development process

30Same parents –different outcome
Even if two people had exactly the same experience of life [impossible]
their programming would not be the same because they have had to
interpret the meaning of their experience.
A story of twins: In psychotherapy circles, a story is often told
of the mentally ill mother of twin boys. One day she told the children,
‘Don’t look down on me because of my illness –both of you will finish up
in a psychiatric hospital’.
She was proved right, both boys did finish up in a psychiatric hospital.
One as a patient, the other as a consultant psychiatrist!
This is a good example of how, even twins brought up together
develop their own unique personality and programming.

Every conversation
is a group discussion!
Because we have multiple Ego States, when two people are in
conversation , it’s in some ways like a group discussion.
The Parent Ego State of each person is around, as are the Child Ego
State and Adult Ego State of both. As the two grown -ups attempt
to engage in Adult discussion, their Child and Parent Ego States
keep switching in and out, bringing in ways of thinking, feeling and
behaving from the past.
No wonder it’s hard to have a simple
discussion without things going wrong!
When Sam and Dan talk, their Parent
and Child Ego States keep disrupting
their attempts to stay in Adult.
48
31

Every
Conversation
is like having
a group
discussion!
When Sam &
Dan talk,
their Parent
and Child
Ego States
keep butting
in, frustrating
their attempts
to have a
conversation
in Adult.
49
32

33The impact of different Ego States
on our behaviour and our relationships
I think you will easily agree how unhelpful it can be when you or your
partner behave like the child you used to be, or criticise, or try
to be over controlling, like your mother or father might have been.
It’s usually more helpful to be able to behave in rational, logical,
common sense [Adult] ways which are appropriate to ‘here and now’
reality. This is especially true when trying to discuss problems.
When we are in [Uncontaminated #] Adult Ego State we are fully
present in the ‘here and now’. By being able to notice when we are in
Child or Parent Ego State we can learn to choose to switch into
Adult Ego State and handle situations in more appropriate ways.
# Unfortunately, our Adult Ego State can be contaminated by Parent
and Child beliefs, so we think we’re in Adult when, in fact, we aren’t!

34Using Ego State awareness
The key is to learn to notice
when you have moved out of
rational, ‘sensible’ Adult and
slipped into Parent or Child.
Responses from your Parent
or Child Ego States may be less
appropriate to what is going on
in the ‘here and now’ than those
from your Adult Ego State.

35The Life Script we have constructed in
response to our ‘Map of the World’
Our Life Script is our programme
of how to think, feel and behave when
travelling on our journey through life.
It was originally constructed, mainly
unconsciously, in childhood, based on our
experience of life.
As a result of our Life Script, we tend to
endlessly replay old patterns of thinking,
feeling and behaving in specific situations.
That’s why personal change is so difficult:
in trying to change the way we think, feel
and behave we are trying to change our
programming! [Pages 63 -64]

36‘I’m OK, You’re OK’
The basic philosophical position of TA
This does not mean accepting
‘not OK’ behaviour , but it does
mean valuing and accepting yourself
and other people despite behaviour.
It also means valuing and accepting
ourselves, despite our flaws.
You may not be able to fully accept this philosophy at the moment,
but it’s worth asking yourself whether someone whose behaviour you
feel upset by is at heart an OK person who did something/s not OK,
or a ‘bad’, ‘not OK’, person.
If you can accept someone as an OK person who did some things not OK
[rather than a ‘bad’ person] you will be able to handle things better.

37‘You are an OK person even though
your behaviour is sometimes not OK’
When we feel upset
with people , we often
forget temporarily
that, although they
have done things we
are upset about, they
are still OK people.
When you think about others whose behaviour you feel upset by,
have you, without realising it, slipped into thinking of them as ‘bad’,
rather than ‘OK, at heart despite what they did’?

38Bad apple or good apple with a blemish?
Whenever I was working with a new group at the local
college where I was visiting lecturer I used to take
an apple into a session. The apple was always good –
but not perfect –I deliberately chose an apple with
a bruise or skin blemish. Without explanation, I would
pass the apple round and ask each of the students
to inspect it.
When the apple eventually came back to me
I would ask the students, ‘What do you think
of the apple?’ They would have no trouble
in agreeing it was a nice apple. I would then
throw the apple into the litter bin without comment.

39Not perfect –but good enough?
Eventually somebody would ask ‘Why have you
thrown it away –it’s a good apple’. My reply?
‘It’s obviously no good, it’s not perfect’.
That was my way of demonstrating what we do
with people too –we reject them because they
are flawed [like us!].
People with low self -esteem do it all the time
–reject themselves because of their flaws!
The person you feel upset by is imperfect, like
you and me. The question is ‘Is he/she an OK
person or not?’

40Good apple: bad behaviour?
Or a bad apple?
If you can accept someone as an OK person who did something not OK
[rather than a ‘bad’ person] you will be able to handle things better.

41Emotional trading stamps
How we store anger and hurt
When we store anger
and hurt it’s like collecting
emotional trading stamps
and cashing them in with
‘over the top’ reactions.
Unresolved anger and hurt
is a major factor in conflict
and need to be released
in ways that don’t harm
yourself or anyone else.
How to do this is described in ‘The Anger Management Programme’
[See page 6]

42Rubber banding
How the past drives feelings in the present
Rubber Banding is a subconscious automatic process
which causes us to re -experience feelings of hurt
anger and other feelings from the past.
When anything happening to us in the here and now
reminds us, at a conscious or subconscious level,
of something in the past, we get the same feeling
now that we got then.
If we are still angry or hurt about something
in the past and anything in the present reminds us
of it, we re -experience the ‘there and then’ emotion.
We can find ourselves feeling angry, sad, afraid or
guilty –sometimes without a clue why. Sometimes
the Rubber Band is connected to ‘forgotten’
childhood experiences.

43
The rubber band which
pulls past feelings into the present

44Displacement –or ‘kicking the cat’,
is when we take it out on the wrong person
When we are
angry or frustrated
we may ‘take it out’
on people around us.
Anger and frustration
must be released, but
not on the wrong person.
Maybe you sometimes take out your
frustration on your partner when the real
problem is elsewhere!? When you realise
that’s what you have done, find some way
of putting it right as soon as possible.
Don’t let your pride stand in the way
–apologise ASAP.

45Psychological games we play
Eric Berne, the founder
of Transactional Analysis,
initially achieved international
recognition with his book
‘The Games People Play’.
He drew attention to the ways
in which we attempt
to manipulate each other.
He described the ‘invitations’
we habitually issue when we
try to get another person to
‘play’ and the steps we follow
when ‘playing’.
‘Games’ is not very apt!
Psychological Games
are not fun. They screw
up relationships!
Main games played by couples are:
Uproar, Archaeology, Payback, and
‘You should know what I want’
[pages 45 -54]
Games are usually played out of awareness and the parties involved do not
realise they are game playing. Bringing a game into awareness helps stop it .

46PERSECUTOR RESCUER
VICTIMWhen we play psychological games we
move around these positions
Stephen Karman 1968THE DRAMA
TRIANGLE

The positions on the Drama Triangle
are interactive as a game unfolds
One party may see themselves as a Victim resulting from the
behaviour of the other party. They retaliate by moving from Victim
to Persecutor and punishing the Persecutor with passive aggressive,
or openly aggressive, behaviour. The other party may initially respond
by taking up the Victim position, but then moves into Persecutor and
counter -attacks. From then on, until they get fed up of fighting, the
parties alternate between the Victim and Persecutor positions in a
psychological game of attacks and counter -attacks. After a while, one of
the parties may feel sorry for the hurt they have caused and take up the
Rescuer position with an apology. This may be rejected, in which case the
Rescuer may move back into Victim or Persecutor and the fight resumes.
This is why relationship problems are never all the fault of one party
or the other. Somebody caused the first hurt but, from then on,
both parties play their part. 47

48When the ‘game’
is over………
‘Games’ is not really a good
word because the games are
anything but fun. The most
serious ‘games’ can end up in
court, hospital or the morgue.
Psychological Games do not have positive
outcomes and the players both feel bad when
the game is over. In fact, that’s how to tell you
have been in a game with your partner, when both
of you share a familiar bad feeling afterwards.Why do we keep
doing that?
We’ve done
it again!

49Couples favourite games………
A favourite psychological game amongst couples is ‘Uproar’.
1.Partner A says something likely to get an angry or hurt
response from Partner B.
2.Partner B may initially decline the invitation by not
responding in a hurt or aggressive way.
3.Partner A may then re -issue the invitation or issue
another one.
4.This time, Partner B may take exception and respond
accordingly.
5.Partner A now feels hurt or angry at the response
and raises the stakes with a supplementary invitation.
6.Game on! The anger spiral is triggered!

50Avoiding ‘Uproar’
Invitation
AcceptedThe key to avoiding Uproar is to spot the
invitation and refuse to accept it –not play.
Instead, respond appropriately from Adult,
or let it go.
If you and your partner play Uproar,
it’s helpful to discuss the Uproar process
and the invitations which you both use
when you invite a game.
Maybe you could agree a coded message
which means ‘let’s not play’. How about
‘sausages’ or ‘rumplestiltskin’ or ‘not now’?Finale

51Ban these uproar invitation words!
You started it….No I didn’t, you did!
It’s your fault –if you hadn’t……
You need talk –how about when…..
You always….you never…..
Yes you did….. no I didn’t!
You said ….no I didn’t
My life's harder than yours …. no it isn’t
The trouble with you is…
There are special words too –words
which you have used to hurt each other
in the past. It would be helpful to make
a list of special hurtful words you agree
to avoid using in future.These expressions
keep dialogue in a
blaming loop which
blocks constructive
communication.

NIGYSOB ‘Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch’ Partner ‘A’ lets Partner
‘B’ dig themselves into a deeper and deeper hole, before launching a
devastating attack, against which Partner ‘B’ has no defence.
Payback A passive aggressive game which is all about revenge, about
getting even. It’s a retaliation game which is often played over a long
period -months or years.
‘You should know what I want …….[without me saying]. A passive
aggressive game where the lead player deliberately does not say what
they want and gets upset when they don’t get it.
‘Yes, but…..’ Probably the most played passive aggressive game. Whatever
you suggest is not right. Remember, passive aggressive types don’t know
what they want, but they do know it’s not what you want [pages 97 -100]
Archaeology. This is constantly ‘digging up the past’, with both parties
obsessively accusing the other of having done things in the past which
are causing the present problems in the relationship. 52A few other games played by couples

The Archaeology Game –
played often by couples in conflict
53

The games we play derive from our outlook on the world, our
feelings towards the other people involved, how we feel about
ourselves and the situation at the time.
Our feelings vary a lot from time to time and situation to situation,
but we have a default way of feeling about ourselves and others
to which we always return [unless we take steps to change it].
In Transactional Analysis [TA] theory the main default feeling
positions are called life positions.
Eric Berne identified four life positions which we all experience
from time to time , but one of which is likely to be our normal
default position, the one we usually find ourselves feeling.
54Life position and games

I’m OK, you’re OK [I+U+]
I’m OK, you’re not OK [I+U-]
I’m not OK, you’re OK [I-U+]
I’m not Ok, you’re not OK [I-U-]
The aim of TA therapy and couples counselling is to help people adjust
their attitude to themselves and others and move towards the
emotionally healthy ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’ position in their relationships .
55Berne identified four main life positions

I’m OK, you’re OK [I+U+]
Berne identified this as the healthy position enabling people to
relate successfully and to form healthy relationships. This position
is relatively free of the more damaging games. It’s achievement is
the aim of TA therapy.
I’m OK, you’re not OK [I+U -]
People in this life position tend to be critical and mistrustful of
others. Berne identified it as a position with paranoid tendency.
People in conflict tend to be in this position when they first come
to see me. In this position they alternate between the Rescuer,
Persecutor and Victim roles on the Drama Triangle and are often in
Critical or Negative Controlling Parent Ego State [see page 15].
56The ‘I’m OK’ life positions

The ‘I’m not OK’ life positions
57I’m not OK, you’re OK [I -U+]
People in this position tend to look to other for approval,
undervalue themselves and are subject to depression.
They often come to therapy suffering low self –esteem and
feelings of under achievement. In relationship they tend to
be passive and build up a collection of anger stamps which,
can and does, lead to relationship breakdown. [Page 41]
I’m not Ok, you’re not OK [I -U-]
People in this position are in a despairing position, unhappy
with themselves, disillusioned with life, blaming themselves
for being a failure and with negative feelings about others.

58I+ U+
‘I feel OK about me
and about others too’.
This is the healthy
relationship positionI-U+
‘I’m not OK: others are’.
This is the low self
confidence and low self
esteem position.
Prone to depression
I-U-
‘I don’t feel OK about
me or others’.
Disillusioned with life.
Feeling stuck in a
hopeless position.I+ U-
‘I feel OK about me but
not about others’.
Critical and mistrustful:
prone to paranoia.
Plays blaming/
persecutor games.Ernst diagrammed Berne’s ideas on life position.
He called his diagram ‘The OK Corral’.
This diagram draws on the work of both Berne and Ernst .

59Next:
No contract for change –no change!
If you want someone
to change it’s vital to
first get their
commitment to
change, without
which their attempts
to change will fail.
And watch out for
that word ‘try’ –it’s
leaving the door open
to failure right at
the start!

60Contracting for change –
essential for personal change
In life we often want people to change something about the way they
are –mainly parents, partner or children, but however hard we try to
get them to change they don’t! The problem is we start off on the wrong
foot! When did your partner, mother, father, son or daughter agree
they wanted your help in changing the way they are?
No contract for change –no change!
Eric Berne said ‘If there is no outcome contract [goals for treatment]
you are not doing TA’. I explain to my clients that the outcome contract
enables us to be clear what changes they want me to help them make.
Often the client’s ideas are initially unrealistic given the scale of
desired change and the investment of time and money they are prepared
to commit. We negotiate realistic outcomes before proceeding.
In working with clients, I pursue clarity about the change to be made
and commitment to it, as the first step in the change process.

61Part Two
The unique
personal world
we have each
constructed

Part Two: Why we are not in the same
world as anyone else
62The programme in our brain that drives the way we are 63 -64
Our different ‘realities’ 65 -75
The Life Script which controls us. 35 71 -75
Our personal ‘Big Book of Right Ways’ 72
Our personal ‘Map of the world’ 71 -75
Why conflict at times is inevitable 76 -77
How we unconsciously filter and distort things 79 -85
Psychological differences between male and female 86
Personality & personality clash 87 -100
Hot and cold types of anger 101 -103
Empathy -key to overcoming difference 104 -106
Passivity -often at the root of relationship breakdown 107 -111
Further reading options 6 112INDEX
Page 113

How we developed the programme
which drives the way we are
63I guess you are already aware that the human brain is, in some
respects, a super computer between our ears. Unlike computers,
we also have feelings and emotions, experience pain and pleasure
and can be spontaneous when we choose to let ourselves be.
Our default programme, the programme of ways to think, feel and
behave, that we naturally fall back on, has been developed from
characteristics inherited from our parents and our experience of the
world around us since the moment of birth [and maybe in womb too!].
Unlike a computer, our programme gets modified by life’s painful and
pleasurable experiences. We can also, within limits, re -programme
ourselves , learn new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving, by
personal development work and therapy.

Four major control files held
in the computer between our ears
Four major parts of our early life
programming covered in this book are:
1.Characteristics copied from our parents
[Parent Ego State [pages 15 -20].
2.Ways of thinking, feeling and behaving
which are a replay of our childhood selves
[Child Ego State [pages 25 -30].
3.Our personal ‘Map of the World’
[pages 71 –75] which contains our beliefs
about what is so and not so, real and not
real, fact and fiction.
64
4. A ‘Life Script’ [pages 35 & 71 -75] which is our response to our
‘Map of the World’ and is captured in a personal ‘Book of Right Ways’
[page 72] to think, feel and behave.

Misunderstanding, disagreement and
conflict at times is inevitable……
65…….because, in some ways, you and your partner
are not on the same planet as each other
or anyone else.
Sam and Dan live in different worlds with
some different beliefs about what’s true
or not true, what’s fact or fiction, what’s
OK or not OK.
On top of this, they view events and behaviour
through their invisible distorting spectacles.
[pages 79 -85] and interpret things differently.

66You and your partner are not
‘on the same planet’ sometimes
No two people have all the same thoughts and
beliefs about what’s true or not true, what’s
fact or fiction, what’s OK or not OK.
As we have travelled through life, we have
unconsciously assembled all of our life experiences
into a unique set of beliefs about ourselves, others
and the world.
Without knowing it, we grew invisible distorting
spectacles [pages 79 -85] through which we view
life, interpret events and form judgements.
We have captured our view of the way things are
and should be, in a ‘Big Book of Right Ways’ which
we use to guide us and to judge the behaviour of
others. [See also page 72]

67Our different beliefs about what’s ‘real’ and ‘right’
developed because we have had to interpret
the meaning of everything that was said to us
and happened to us, since our earliest childhood.
We have been interpreting everything using our
invisible distorting spectacles. [pages 79 -85].
As a result, we each now have a unique private
‘reality’ based on our accumulated interpretation
of events [and ignorance -gaps in our knowledge].
Much of what you think is right and factual
depends on your experience of life and how you
have interpreted your personal experience. Different realities

68Different ‘realities’ 1
Sheis the
problem
Heis the
problem
This is often
the position at
the start of
couples
counselling

69Different ‘realities’ 2
I do listen, it’s just
that I don’t know
what she needs
me to say.
I need emotional
support and
understanding, but
he doesn’t listen.

70Different ‘realities’ 3
I’ll pop into my cave
until it’s safe to come
out.
It would be good
to talk about our
problems right now.

71Your version of ‘reality’ is bound
to be different to your partners
1. We have each developed a unique
‘Map of the World’, which we use
to understand everything that happens
to us and around us [pages 71 -75].
2. We have also constructed a personal
‘Life Script’ # to live our life by, a way of
thinking, feeling and behaving in response
to our ‘Map of the World’
[pages 35 and 71 -75].
# Further reading ‘Scripts People Live’ by
Claude Steiner

72How we maintain our unique
personal ‘reality’
3. We have captured our Script in
a ‘Big Book of Right Ways’ [page 72]
to think, feel, and behave in response
to our ‘Map of the World’.
4. We unconsciously filter and distort
everything that happens and fill in
missing bits to make things fit our
expectations [pages 79 -85].
Since our ‘Big Book of Right ways’
is not in all respects the same
as anyone else’s, friction, conflict
and disagreement is inevitable.

Our ‘Map of the World’ is not the same
as anyone else’s
Our ‘Map of the World’ is our perception
of what is and isn’t so, what is and isn’t
right, what is fact or fiction.
It’s our personal set of beliefs about
ourselves, others and the world, but
it’s only our opinion based on our unique
personal experience of life and isn’t
exactly the same as anyone else’s map!
Our map is bound to be more or less
incorrect when you consider that no -one
else’s map is exactly the same as yours
or mine. Maybe you and me are the only
ones who have got it ‘right’. Maybe not!
73
What we believe is so,
is not necessarily so.
It may be only what
we believe is so………

74The Life Script we have constructed in
response to our ‘Map of the World’
Our Life Script is our programme of how to think, feel and behave
when travelling on our journey through life using our ‘Map of the
World’. It was originally constructed, mainly unconsciously,
in childhood, as a result of childhood experience and observation
of the behaviour of parents and others around us.
As a result of our Life Script, we endlessly replay
old patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving
in specific situations.
In other words, the way we are is habitua l.
We are destined by our script autopilot to endlessly
repeat our ways of thinking, feeling and behaving
until life experience and personal development
work help us to become self aware and change
the way we are, help us to ‘put a new show on the road’.

75Why aren’t our maps all the same?
Different personal belief systems develop because no event,
behaviour or communication has a fixed meaning. Everything that
happens, everything that is communicated and everything that
is experienced, is capable of a range of possible interpretations
and constructed meanings.
As children we have to interpret everything that
happens to us and around us to make sense of it.
We have to decide what’s true or not true
about ourselves, the world and others.
You have been constructing a personal belief
system since childhood. Your ‘Big Book of Right
Ways’ is based on thousands of day -to-day
interpretations of what has happened to you
and around you. So has mine and everyone else’s!

76Conflict at times is inevitable
Conflict is inevitable when we try to get
others to ‘do it our way’, to believe what
we believe, to conform to what’s in our
‘Big Book’ and to abandon what’s in theirs.
Successful relationships are about learning
to manage difference.
It’s not difference that causes problems,
it’s our intolerance of difference and
our attempts to change the other person.

Other main causes of conflict
Personality differences [pages 87 -100]
Evolutionary differences between
the sexes [page 86]
Stored anger and hurt
[Anger Stamps: page 41]
Filtering and distortion
[page 79 -85]
77

Faulty thinking and inappropriate
behaviour –in whose opinion?
78So called ‘faulty thinking and
inappropriate behaviour’ is essentially
a clash between one ‘Big Book of Right
Ways’ and another.
The biggest books of right ways are
religious and political, but everyone
has their own unique ‘Big Book’.
Conflict results when we behave and
express opinions which clash with the
content of someone else’s ‘Big Book ‘,
or we try to impose stuff from our
‘Big Book’.

79We unconsciously filter and distort
what happens to create our own ‘facts’
‘Hear what we
expect to hear’
filters
‘See what we expect to see’
filtering lensesFaulty
perfect
memoryTo make things fit our expectations
according to our ‘Map of the World’
we filter and distort what happens
and make up missing bits.
We often interpret things so they
confirm what we expect, whilst being
blind to any contrary evidence which
might mean we have interpreted
something incorrectly.
For example : Someone not saying
‘hello’ can confirm our belief that
they don’t like us. On the other hand,
it can confirm our belief that they
are ignorant or a belief that they are
shy. It’s all about interpretation!

80We often hear only what we
expect to hear……..
…..see what we expect to see.
…..remember things in a way
which fits our personal
‘Map of the World’.……….so they fit what we believe
‘Hear what we
expect to hear’
filters
‘See what we expect to see’
filtering lenses
We really, absolutely, believe our distorted version of what happened -which is
often not the same as the other person’s distorted version. We accept that
we canget things wrong , but not that we did get it wrong on that occasion.Faulty
perfect
memory

81How we fill in with bits of fantasy
We fill in missing bits of information by making it up, jumping to
conclusions, interpreting. We then proceed as if what we have filled
in is factual and disagree with others who have a different version.
At the college where I was a
visiting lecturer we would read a
story of an old lady who was
jostled by a group of youths and
dropped her handbag. One of the
youths picked it up and ran off
with it. A passer -by rugby tackled
the youth and got the handbag
back. Naturally the old lady was
very grateful.At the end of the story the students
were asked questions about what had
happened. One question was ‘What
colour was the lorry that went past?
Most students remembered the
colour. Trouble was, they didn’t
remember the same colour. In fact,
there was no lorry in the story.
Their subconscious had invented the
missing information!
We are all a bit paranoid and often distort what we hear and experience
to make up pessimistic interpretations -thinking and believing the worst. 81

82Filtering and distorting reality
so it fits what we choose to believe
No action or communication has a fixed meaning!
What some things mean can seem pretty obvious, but we still have
to interpret what is meant. Obviously, we choose to interpret
things in a way which makes most sense from our unique
perspective.
When she took down their wedding photo,
what did it mean?
My client took down their wedding day photograph.
This coincided with her starting to take more care
of her appearance for the office.
What her partner thought it meant!
Her partner didn’t discuss how what she had done was affecting
him and used his jealousy filter [page 85] to conclude she was
having an affair and was planning to leave him. He started to be
horrible to her and obsessively jealous without saying why.

83‘Reality’ can be very elusive!
What she thought her action actually meant for her
Her mother had recently died, which proved to be a wake up -call.
She made the decision to take more of an interest in her career.
She had replaced the original wedding photo on display with one
which also had her mother and father in it. She was oblivious
to the interpretation her partner might place on what she did.
What happened next
Her partner thought she was having an affair and began to treat
her badly. She was previously content in the relationship, but
gradually, her partner’s horrible behaviour hardened her heart
towards him. Their relationship eventually died!
What was the reality behind her changing the photo?
Nobody knows! There’s his interpretation, her interpretation,
my interpretation and now your interpretation!

84Why do we distort what we experience
in ways which are often unhelpful to us?
On page 80, I referred to one of the biggest problems in human
relationships -that no words or behaviour have a fixed meaning!
We have to decide, to interpret, what every word and behaviour
means: decide what to think and how to feel about it.
We instinctively react with an interpretation, but the interpretation
is often inaccurate. Unfortunately, when we get it wrong , we are
usually absolutely certain that we got it right.
 When I am working with couples, their account of incidents, their
story of what happened, is so different that I wonder if they were
both there at the same time! They passionately believe
their irreconcilable versions, particularly what was and
wasn’t said. Both accept that they canget things wrong,
but not this time!

85A few of the filters which
screw up relationships
Big Book of Right Ways [I know best]
Critical Parent filter [You never do anything right]
Paranoid filter [You ‘re getting at me again]
Narcissistic filter [I rarely get things wrong]
Victim filter [I never get what I want]
Blame filter [YOU are the problem]
Jealousy filter [You are bound to leave me]
Pessimism filter [The worst that can happen will happen]
These are examples of filters we use to shape how we look at things.
The same event triggers a different ‘reality’ for different people
depending on their filters.
Other filters include all the prejudices e.g. sexism: racism: homophobia
religious intolerance and also dislike of some personality types e.g.
‘I can’t stand people like that’.

86Evolutionary differences
between male and female
As a result of evolution, men and women have grown up with some
fundamental personality differences. This is the topic of a widely read
book by John Gray, ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’.
One profound difference is that when there is a problem
in a relationship the stereotype woman will want to talk
about it now, whereas the stereotype man will want to ‘withdraw
into his cave and try to avoid it or solve it on his own’.
Many of the couples I have worked with
experienced difficulties because the male
[but not always the male] couldn’t or
wouldn’t talk about issues.

Personality and personality clash
Personality clash occurs when one party has difficulty in
relating to the other because their personality traits are
different. For example: the partner who is expressive and open
and likes to talk things through, sooner or later runs into
problems with a partner who doesn’t talk much or tends to
withdraw when there are problems.
When people are too alike it can also cause problems.
For example: two people both tending to be controlling
or emotional are prone to conflict.
In contrast, when both partners in relationship are passive
problems don’t get resolved. The ever growing store of
unresolved anger and hurt stamps [page 41] can eventually
freeze the relationship to death.
87

88The structure of personality
Our personality is mainly shaped by
Genetically inherited characteristics
Our ‘Map of the World ’ [pages 35 71 -75]
Our ‘Life Script’ [pages 35 71 -75]
Parental modeling: the content
of our Parent Ego State [pages 15 -20]
The residual part of the child we were : our Child Ego State
[pages 25 -30]
The extent to which our Adult Ego State [pages 21 -24 & 33 -34]
is able regulate and control our Parent and Child Ego States.
The resultant content of our ‘Big Book of Right Ways’ [page 72]

Personality -A Definition
‘The combination of characteristics
or qualities that form an individual’s
distinctive character’.
89Personality Types
Although each of us is as unique as
our fingerprints, we fall into
personality groups with others
with some similar characteristics
and qualities. These different
groups with similar characteristics
and qualities are known as
personality types [page 94].Personality has a genetic element, but
mainly develops early in childhood and
is not easily modified in adulthood.
Life Script [pages 71 -75] is a very
important part of personality which
drives thinking, feeling and behaviour.
Life Script can be modified in therapy.
Behaviour change does not depend on personality change, but is much
more difficult to maintain if it’s not natural to the personality type.

90Understanding Personality
Personality derives from the complexity of
human programming [pages 63 -64] and
drives our way of thinking, feeling and
behaving.
There are many theories about personality
types. I am most influenced in my personal
views by the work of Ian Stewart and Vann
Joines, who identify six basic types of
personality. #
None of the personality types is inherently
good or bad –each type has both strengths
and weaknesses.
# ‘Personality Adaptations’ by Vann Joines & Ian Stewart

91Want a personality transplant for your
partner? Not possible, but…..
Our personality is, in some respects, substantially ‘hard wired’,
a personal development programme file which we can’t easily edit.
In the early years of a relationship, personality differences are less
of a problem, tending to obscured by the love and excitement
of the honeymoon years. Early warning signs of possible personality
clash and behavioural difficulties are ignored.
As the relationship matures, the differences become much more
evident and can become a source of incompatibility and conflict.
Although personality cannot be easily modified, if at all,
behaviour can be changed with effort. It depends if the person
has sufficient motivation and determination to change their behaviour.

92Personality cannot be changed much……
…… but behaviour can!
Personality type cannot be changed for a different personality type but,
with sustained effort, some behaviour driven by personality factors
can be changed –providing the person is committed to changing.
This is why the ‘Contract for Change’ is so important [pages 59 -60].

This ancient wisdom
applies to partners too!
93
‘Lord help me to change the things I can,
accept the things I can’t and give me the
wisdom to know the difference’.

94Six types of personality –
The negative and positive aspects of each
Negative Aspect Type Positive Aspect
Excitable/over emotional A Enthusiastic/sociable
Obsessive/ritualistic B Responsible/reliable
Paranoid/pessimistic C Sceptical/analytical
Withdrawn/not sociable D Creative/individualistic
Passive aggressive/stubborn E Careful/determined
Antisocial/self interested F Charming/persuasive
Each of us tend to be mainly a mixture of one or two, at most three,
of the above types. Mine are B C and D. Which are yours?
Which are your partner’s? Better get used to them ’cause they
aren’t going to change much![The A B C D E F labels are mine i.e. not part of standard theory]

95The unique colour of your personality
I think of each person’s
personality as being like
a unique colour resulting from
mixing a selection of common
primary colours on the
artist’s palette –so much of
this colour, so much of that
colour, hardly any of that
colour and so on. The end
result is unique but derives
mainly from only two or three
of the original colours.

96My way of thinking about
Personality Types
Each person’s personality is a unique
blend of common personality traits.
Two or three common personality traits
tend to dominate an individual’s
personality even though their overall
personality is unique.
In this way, two or, at most, three of the
personality traits on page 94 will be most
evident within your overall unique
personality.

97Living with passive aggression
Some people have more than average passive aggressive
tendency. They tend to avoid solving problems assertively
and often have a great secret collection of anger
and hurt stamps [page 41].
Passive Aggressive Personality Types can
be stubborn and obstructive. Often, they
don't know what they want, but know it’s
not what youwant. ‘ YES BUT….’ is their
favourite psychological game [pages 45 -54].
In ‘YES BUT ….’ the lead player always has
a reason why what’s suggested won’t work.
They also play the ‘You should know what
I want without me saying’ game.
Passive
Aggression
often comes
from Child
Ego State

Maybe the behaviour is rooted in
unresolved anger and hurt -not personality
98Most often passive aggressive
behaviours result from unresolved
anger and hurt not from personality
type. The person is getting even by
being ‘bloody minded’.
Initially, anger and hurt release
techniques should be attempted.
There is a good selection of anger
and hurt release techniques in my book
‘The Anger Management Programme’.
[Page 6]

Examples of
passive aggressive behaviour
99Air of grievance/ chip on shoulder
Cold freeze treatment
Deliberate ‘forgetfulness’
Indecisiveness
Obstruction [includes ‘Yes but’ game]
Speaking quietly/mumbling
Refusal to apologise
Refusal to acknowledge partners point of view
Refusing to explain why upset
Stubbornness
Not saying what they want to see whether they
get it and being resentful if they don’t.
Passive Aggressive Definition: Behaviour which
impedes, or does nothing to help, problem resolution

100The best way of getting on with
Passive Aggressive personality types
If your partner has passive
aggressive tendency:
The secret is to nurture
them, be playful and
encourage them to express
how they feel and what they
want.
If you have passive
aggressive tendency:
You need to decide to be
more assertive [page 110 -111],
think about what you want
and be prepared to ask for it.Passive aggressive personality types
are often reluctant to take the lead
as this involves knowing what they
want and being open about it. Yet
when youtry to take the lead they
may launch into the ‘Yes, but…’ game.
Using controlling behaviour with
passive aggressive types will lead to
unproductive struggles.
To read more about personality types,
including Passive Aggressive, read
‘Personality Adaptations’ by
Ian Stewart and Vann Joines.

101Odds are, unresolved anger and hurt is at
the root of relationship problems
When we have unresolved anger and hurt
our empathy switch is ‘off’.
That’s what unresolved anger and hurt do
–switch off our empathy switch and
make us insensitive to the needs of the
person we are angry with.
They become angry and hurt by us
and a situation develops where both
parties have their empathy switch in the
off position and are being insensitive to
the needs of the other.
A ‘hot’ or ‘cold’ war develops [next page ]
and communication breaks down.

102How do you respond
when angry or hurt?
COLD RESPONSE
Pushing hurt and
anger down inside.
Fighting back in
passive aggressive
ways including
being icy cold with
the other person
without explaining
whyHOT RESPONSE
Aggressive,
intimidating
behaviour
including verbally
abusive rantsOr a mixture
of both?
Your priority
is to learn
Impulse
Control and
how to be
assertive
instead of
angryYour priority
is to learn to
be assertive
insteadYou need to learn to
release anger safely
and to use anger
reduction
techniques

103When dealing with anger
look for the hurt behind the anger
Hurt Feelings
Transformed
to anger

104Empathy is how we travel between our
world and the other person’s world
We are not on the same planet
as anyone else . We are each
in a world of our own construction,
[65 -75] resulting from our own unique
personal development path in life.
We each have a unique way of
looking at things and experiencing
things.
To understand things from another person’s perspective you have to
journey to the inside of their head on the ‘Empathy Space Probe’.
Empathy is about understanding the perspective and feelings of the
other person, not about having to agree with it. If you agree with
their perspective you are sympathetic. You can be empathic without
being sympathetic.

105
The Empathy Space Probe
105

106Defining empathy
The biggest misunderstanding about
empathy is that to be empathic means
that you have to agree with the way
the other person is thinking, feeling
and behaving. This is not correct.
Empathy does not mean you have to
agree –it’s about understanding the
other person’s perspective,
not necessarily agreeing with it.
Empathy is ‘putting yourself in the
other person’s shoes’ and trying to
understand things from their
point of view, even when you find it
impossible to agree.
Empathy involves trying to get
inside the other person’s head,
entering their internal world
for a while and seeing things as
they see them.

107Passivity: why it can be a recipe
for relationship breakdown
Aggressive types are usually open about
what they are unhappy about –the
‘smelly fish ’, the problem, is on the table –
not under it, out of sight.
In contrast, passive partners tend
to bottle up their issues because they
don’t know how to process them
assertively. Problems fester, which
often results in passive aggressive
behaviour [pages 97 -100], punctuated
occasionally by ‘over the top’ explosions.
Sometimes, however, the bottled -up
anger simply results in the shutting
down of loving feelings.
Assertiveness is often best,
but it’s also important to be
able to let your anger show
when justified [and safe!]

108Passivity can result in
the slow death of a relationship
A passive person in will tend to be dominated by others.
The passive partner does not assertively express
any dissatisfaction they may have, or gives up when
they don’t get quick resolution of the issues.
Issues are not put to rest and accumulate as a collection of
internal anger and hurt stamps [page 41] which act initially as a
coolant on the relationship. The coolant effect of the anger
and hurt stamps can eventually lead to
a numbing out, a shutting down, of loving
feelings by the passive partner.
Passivity can be like putting your hand
in a bucket of ice cold water! After a while,
the pain and cold is replaced by numbness.

109Lost that loving feeling?
Unexpressed issues may be the cause
Often the passive person who has lost
that loving feeling can’t explain why
they have fallen out of love. They only
know that they don’t feel for their
partner the way they used to.
In therapy, the passive person who
has shut down can be surprised
to discover that the problem
is accumulated anger and hurt.
They may say ‘But I don’t ‘do’ anger’,
to which my reply is often, ‘That may
be the problem’!
If you think that you have lost that loving feeling, don’t
despair –it may only be in the fridge.
Start talking and consider professional help.

110The Passive to Aggressive Pendulum
RESPONSE
CHOICES
Passive people are often nursing deep unexpressed anger which they
keep bottled up. Occasionally something will ‘push them over the edge’,
which results in a rage and amazes their family, friends or colleagues
at work, who are seeing an aspect of the person which seems totally
out of character.Passive/Passive
AggressiveAggressive

111In successful relationships people discuss
issues assertively and without anger
It’s your assertive
right to also be passive
sometimes, even angry
when appropriate.
Assertive
person’s
pendulum
Notice that when you are assertive you don’t need to be passive
aggressive. Assertiveness means you can CHOOSE an
appropriate response, passive, assertive or angry,
depending on the situation. PassiveAngry
Assertive

112112If you would like to read more about:
Listening Skills
Empathy
Assertiveness
Conflict Resolution SkillsFree Optional Reading Online
Please visit:
http://selfhelp.brianamartin.co.ukOR know more about:
Choosing a Therapist
Counselling
Couples Counselling
Psychotherapy
Hypnotherapy
EMDR
Please visit:
www.brianamartin.co.uk

INDEX Of TOPICS
113Adult Ego State 21 –24 33 -34
Alcohol: the enemy of self -control 23 -24
Anger Stamps 41
Anger: hot & cold types of anger 101 -103
Archaeology: psychological game 52 -53
Assertiveness development 110 -111
Big Book of Right Ways 72
Child Ego State 25 -30
Child Development 28 -30
Conflict causes 65 76 -77
Contracting for change 59 -60
Critical Parent Ego State 15 -20
Differences between male and female in conflict 86
Different ‘Realities’ 65 -75
Displacement: how we take our anger out on the wrong target 44
Drama Triangle: Rescuer, Victim & Persecutor life positions 46 -47
Drivers & Injunctions controlling our behaviour and feelings 18 -20

114Ego States –our multiple ‘personalities 12 -34
Emotional Trading Stamps: how we store anger and hurt: 41
Empathy 104 -106
Eric Berne: the founder of Transactional Analysis [TA] 12
Filtering and distortion: how we make up ‘facts’ 79 -85
Games we play 45 -54
I’m OK: You’re OK. The philosophy of Transactional Analysis [TA] 36 -40
Injunctions & Drivers controlling our behaviour and feelings 18 –20
Kicking the cat: how we ‘take it out’ on the wrong person 44
Life Positions 54 -58
Life Script: the plan of how to be in life we developed in childhood 35 71 –75
Map of the world: our unique understanding of what’s so and not so 35 71 -75
Multiple ‘personalities’ 12 –34
Nurturing Parent Ego State 15 –16
OK’ness concept: the ‘I’m OK: You’re OK’ philosophy from TA 36 -40
Parent Ego State 15 –20
Passive aggression 97 -100 Index of Topics [Continued]

Passivity: difficulties caused by passivity 107 -111
Persecutor life position 46 -47
Personality types & personality clash 87 -100
Personality: our multiple ‘personalities’ 12 -34
Programming: the programme in our heads and how it was written 63 -64
Psychological games we play 45 -54
Reality: what is reality? 65 –75
Rescuer life position 46 -47
Rubber banding: how the past drives feelings in the present 42 -43
Transactional Analysis [TA] 11
Two worlds: one couple two worlds 65 –72
Uproar –the psychological game most played by couples 48 –51
Victim life position 46 –47
Wind up words: invitations into the Uproar game 51
Yes, but…….. psychological game 52
115Index of Topics [Continued]